we see things as we are

airplane crashed....

2006-01-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

me and laura playin 'airplane'

2006-01-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

hahaha we are like children

last night

2006-01-10T16:43:00.000-08:00

lori & me again....

2006-01-10T16:39:00.000-08:00

the ladies, poolside

2006-01-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

view from our hotel room in AZ

2006-01-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

2006-01-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

my meow! larrybird

2005-12-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

lil sis andra & me

2005-12-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

lori & me

2005-12-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

teal, me, laura...first game!

2005-12-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

pictures

2005-12-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

Give Me Chills

2005-10-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

so...i'm feeling very uninspired...i'm in a rut. dull dull dull....so i shall post lyrics. i love music. especially the kind of music that really speaks to you if you listen to the words...*sigh*

light another cigarette
and maybe by the end of it
you’ll have changed,
make a mental note to self
to dig a deeper wishing-well
next year

Still, you are the only thing I fear
You give me chills, you give me chills

sentimental waking up or
sleeping in a coffee cup it seems
you’re so high, the sky’s scared
and now you’re in my nightmares
and my dreams

still, you are the only thing I need
you give me chills, you give me chills
you give me chills, then you leave me cold

still, you are the only thing I feel
you give me chills, you give me chills
you give me chills, then you leave me…
you give me chills, you give me chills
you give me chills, then you leave me cold
and then you leave me cold
- Ben Lee "Chills"

welcome back OC...its been too long

2005-09-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

so...still nothing exciting to write about. but here goes....

OC season premiere was tonight...just got over. it was a good one. the oc never fails to make me proud. however, this just in...teal knows a guy who knows a guy, and the word on the street is that Fox got the rights to air the World Series this year...therefore, there shall be 4 episodes of the OC, followed by 4 WEEKS of no OC. yeesh. thanks goodness i have the first two seasons on dvd, for emergencies like this.

this new show (following the oc) is called reunion, and its got some serious potential. thats right, potential.

lets see what else...hangin out around here this weekend. should be a good time. as long as we can manage to remove all the "borrowed" lawn ornaments from our living room. we leave tate alone for one weekend and now there's a whole creapy little family of varying shades of white and gray with NO EYES gathered in our apartment. and not to be paranoid, but i'm pretty sure that they are reproducing at night, like rabbits.its only a matter of time until i wake up in the middle of the night and one of them (probably the creapy little boy one with his hands over his mouth like hes hiding something) is hovering at the end of my bed.

yup, Reunion is real good. great, now my thursdays are totally shot. the concept of the show is just new and cool. the first episode (today) was in 1986, and each episode is a new year. should be interesting

anyway, i think thats it for now...

catchin up 2

2005-09-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

well...still not much to write about. teal and i are watchin Bedazzled right now. she doesnt seem impressed. nor was she feeling Sin City last night...i'm seriously beginning to worry about her. also...lets see. well nate's suggention sucked, and nobody else really said anything, cept andra and i couldnt write about her cause...well where would i even begin!?

we start workouts tomorrow...yeesh. i'm excited tho. cant wait to be in shape again. good times. anyway, this sucks again...thats it...i'm not writing til i come up with something good and meaningful. or at least worth reading.

sorry guys

catchin up 1

2005-09-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

i am lonely. DAH i need a companion. haha. i say that, but then i find a guy and after two weeks im all "nehh..i'm bored." i think (for now) i just like that feeling you get when u first meet someone new.

although i must say, i havent felt alot of butterflies this summer (cant lie, i felt a few)...and that makes me sad. i want those nervous tingles!

i dare someone to sweep me off my feet....dare you

lost or found?

2005-08-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

well, i'm back...in williston...the apartment is much smaller then anticapted. but we'll make the best of it. we dont have internet there yet. soon, hopefully.

i find myself really missing certain people...im torn about that feeling, missing. on one hand, its a good thing cause you have something that u care enough about to miss...on the other hand, missing something hurts alot. hmmm

i was thinking in the car on the way down here...about being lost or found. i know in the past few years i've changed...(hopefully for the better) but the thing is that i dont know if i found myself, like discovered who i really am. or if i lost who i was, who i'm supposed to be.

idk, maybe they both kind of go together in way...dilemma

i look hot in rubber gloves

2005-08-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

last night, last night was a good time. i started out the evening being BORED outta my mind after my parents made my sister come home (due to the fact that she had vb this a.m.) but i trudged on til about 12 20 when louis called.

louis decided he wanted to dye his hair black (i still maintain he's copying me, since i did this same thing about a year ago...tsk tsk) but anyway, we call up chris and bryce and head out to walmart. now there was a good time...

we were just wondering about, messing around. and bryce and i happen upon the FebreezeAuto. so of course i make an attempt to spray him with it. which births the idea of a good ol' western showdown or whatever they're called. so chris supplied the classic cowboy movie whistle ("dun dun dun, wa a wa a wa"...is that good? or..no? idk i tried) and louis let us know when to to draw. needless to say, i was victorious. bryce claimed to have left his safety on...but hey, come prepared.

then chris found this hat, its like a green trucker hat with this clear little pocket on the front of it so you can put pictures in it. the boys then proceeded to brainstorm possible picture pocket ideas. louis put this outfit on (hat & vest combo) that for some reason made him look like a total creaper...so we thought a pic of that would probably be cute

so yeah we head back to my house at around 3 30 i spose. and after louis shaves everything but the mustache that bryce and chris convinced him to keep, i proceeded to dye his hair blueblack, which is the color he selected. after i finished with him, i was like "hey, theres enough left here to do someone else" and of course we talk bryce into being that someone else.

in the end, last night was a fun night and the boys ended up lookin HOT . job well done.

oh oh, sidenote: andra and i finished the first season of the OC. joy! now we just have to wait til the 23rd so the second season comes out and we can continue her education.

my summer teen blockbuster

2005-08-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

so i have returned in one piece from my little adventure to iowa. there would be WAY to much to get into on here, and to be quite frank i just dont have the energy. but i'll let ya'll in on some of what i am calling "my summer teen blockbuster" (andra might be the only one who gets that...)

>made it ALL the way to cresent, IA without gettin lost (true its pretty much a straight 7.5 hr shot down i29, but still) which would be great if cresent was my final destination, but it wasnt. council bluffs was...the same council bluffs that is pretty much adjacent to omaha. so neway, i miss my exit and end up in the creighton medical center parking lot...then the downtown omaha walgreens parking lot, where i waited for approximatly 26 minutes to be rescued by ray.

> got into the omaha zoo for free on my bday...not for any special reason, just because we walked in without paying. (bad ass, i know)

>managed to get a flat tired without even driving my car for 3 days....i have my ways. but got tire fixed and made my way home on wednesday. that was a sad day

other than that, highlights included ray's motorcylce, another original birthday present, gettin 3 'happy birthday song' voicemails, a great new cd, a pretty amazing view from the 'lookouts' , and the addition of one very special shirt to my wardrobe....a 20th birthday to be remembered

i'm sure i forgot stuff there...oh well, i tried. sorry

oh sidenote: in a random moment of impulsiveness i got my ears pierced again, can i get a hooha for double piercings??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2005-08-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

yes sir, its that time of year again...

today i find myself waving goodbye and gazing longingly at my teen years. twenty-somethings here i come.

happy birthday to jamie, happy birthday indeed

LEO

2005-08-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

ya know, i try hard not to buy into the whole horoscope thing...but when it gives me crap like this - its hard not to just slap down my credit card and scream SOLD!

"Look for a little drama to go a long way, as the past few days of boredom and tranquility are quickly forgotten in an inspiring flash of daredevil behavior."

hi ray!

2005-08-03T01:55:00.000-07:00

this is ray's first experience with my little journal here....so i thought i'd give him a proper welcome...cause i know he's gonna read it :)

what can i say about ray...he's amazing. really. and i'm not just saying that. he's one of those people who when i know i'm gonna talk to him, even just online, i get this nervous feeling in my stomach and i cant stop smiling. and when i'm actually lucky enough to be actually with him, i shake the whole time :) ( mean not like, seizuring or nething...) he's a great guy (and i miss him)

alright, well thats that....enjoy ray :)

oh, pete....

2005-08-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

on a brighter note, oh fall out boy, how i love thee

"nature shows suck ass, though cobras are pretty sweet. pretty much any animal that has a gang named after it is pretty badass. i would go for an animal combo, like a bear that carried a cobra- total unstoppable force. give that thing wings and humanity is fucked." -(pete wentz, fall out boy)

St. Theresa's Prayer:

2005-07-31T16:26:00.000-07:00

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly
where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities
that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and
pass on the love that has been given to you.... May you be content knowing
you are a child of God.... Let this presence settle into our bones, and
allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for
each and every one of you.

thanks dad

WHY

2005-07-31T15:41:00.000-07:00

hmm...well. it happened. and i'm tryin out different ways to deal with it, and nothings working. i thought i'd write about it in here and that would help....but i cant think of the words to describe how i feel.

i'm pretty lost :|

"its a bandaid for a bullet wound"

DO something

2005-07-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

well...tonight was one of those nights. i spent a lot of time over the past few days diliberating (i may have spelt that wrong, sorry) and i realized that i had no choice but to accept a course of action...which i've now done, and carried out.

i stole this from lj's blog...but i colored him a picture today so we're even.

How do you know what's going to happen, how do you know?
You don't; and that's part of life, taking chances.

Do something, regret it.
Do something, rejoice.
Do something, forget it.
Do something, live.

meet me at speedway

2005-07-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

alright so its been along time since i wrote, too long for my loyal readers (all one of u)

lets see...what can i write about...oh i've made a couple of observations lately, pointless ones, but observations none the less.

exhibit a) i was babysittin the other day, and for lunch we were making sandwhiches, i wanted miracle whip, there wasnt ne, but there was mayo. ick. neway, the jar of mayo is like "0g net carbs! only 120 calories a serving!" somehow making it sound like mayo is not horrible for you. but, if one takes the time to rotate the jar and read the fine print, ALL 120 of those calories are from FAT. *shudder*

dont get me wrong, i dont count calories, but come on!

exhibit b) i was watching tv with andra and betsy a few days ago, and they were watching this show called "coupling", its a reality show about these woman in the city who are tryin to fall in love with the right man, AKA mr. right.....and the producer of the show?? cant remember his first name, but the important part is this. last name: wrong. the guy producing a show about finding mr. right, is named mr. wrong. oh the irony. i love it

what else is new....hmm...oh i went to wedding crashers. twice. two nights in a row actually. it was so good. vince vaughn succeeded in verifying my ginormous crush on him.he's amazing. the first night i went with kamala, and at one point in the movie, people actually clapped. haha, good times.

oh, we (my family, minus jodee) went to the shrine bowl football game yesterday. east won, woo hoo. okay so actually i didnt even hardly watch, andra and i played hang man. haha. then we all went out to eat at, wait for it....speedway! oh man, so good. speedway sauce, orgasmic. . my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

gentleman, that is the way to my heart. speedway sauce...oh my

do it now! do it, do it! do it now!

2005-07-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

IF YOU READ THIS,
Even if we DO SPEAK OR DON'T SPEAK OFTEN,
Comment with one memory of me and you.
It can be anything you want. GOOD OR BAD.
Just as long as it HAPPENED.
THEN, post this on your journal.
See what other people remember about YOU

come on guys...it'll be fun

and thats the way i like it

2005-07-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

williston, here i effin come....i can not wait. out of hellish grand forks and on to bigger and better things :) haha, ok thats probably an exaggeration...but i seriously am stoked.

my mom and gma and i went to this antique shop today, and i was enthralled. seriously, this store was A-mazing. positively delightful. i shall be returning...

finished up a couple pretty stellar birthday presents today....you two know who u are, i'm coming for you ;)

so yeah, tomorrow i will be signing off for a few days....i'll just apologize now for my little selfpity outburst the other day. sorry

HAVE A WONDERMOUS 4TH OF JULY YA'LL!!

song of the moment: 'catch my disease' - ben lee

behind these brown eyes....

2005-06-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

you made a fool of me, tell my why

2005-06-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

so, unfortunate experience today....the end result of which is me listening to u "you made a fool of me" and wallowing in self-pity.

long story short, my heart is still broken and i have not the slightest idea how to fix it.

i cant wait to get out of this miserable town

(everyone does this 'song of the moment thing'...and to keep the tradition alive, so shall i)

song of the moment : "sugar we're going down swingin" fall out boy .... one of my favorite songs ever. i can not get enough of it, i swear to u i just have it on repeat all day

2005-06-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

You are Seth Cohen! Awwww you are like the cutest
ever!You are sweet and lovable definately one
of the best characters!

Which O.C. Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

and in honor of the result of this littel quizzlet...here are some of my fav quotes from the O.C (wow, i'm cool)

Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
-Summer

How can she fall for you if you're not there to catch her?
-Alex

Once you've got what you want, that's when you've got something to lose, and what's scarier than that?
-Anna

Summer: What do you want from me Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
(ok sorry, that one is purely sentimental...effin seth cohen.)

oh family guy...

2005-06-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

Which Family Guy character are you?

i heart applebees

2005-06-21T01:25:00.000-07:00

but mostly i heart orange chicken skillets...oh wait, their called bowls now. well whatever the name is, they rock my world. louis and i had a frate (my word for friend date) there today. and then we went to dairy queen. where you can now purchase MEGA-moo sized moolates. haha, i love advertising. but another good night with louis :) he and i decided that we have to quit having so much fun together...we need a really lousy night, or a fight or something. cause this is rediculous. haha

what else what else...oh i FINALLY talked to alyssa today! geezpers that girl just disappeared from my life for like, 40 years...okay it was like a week and a half. but still. i was worried okay alyssa? i was worried! you coulda called damnit.

i bought new lotion. i'm kind of a lotion addict. (the first step is admitting u have a problem.....) but its that 'nightly body renewal'. i'm pretty sure its a scam. skin has been renewing itself just fine by itself on millions of people for hundreds of years. but it smells good, and im a sucker for lotion. its a weakness. what can i say.

hmmm....oh this week is elementary day camp. i have a team of 1st and 2nd graders. horrible basketball happening there, h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e...but they're so cute and funny that i just cant care. adorable. thats all i have to say. OH cept that we like, lost a kid today! and her brother! oh there's a story here, let me start a new paragraph....

okay, so camp started at the betty (the new university gym) and we had to walk the 1st and 2nd graders to the hyslop (old gym). its like, 2 blocks. so neway, the kids parents know to pick them up at hyslop. but this one little girls mom cant come til later, so we were gonna walk that girl (and her older brother who was there for, idk moral support?) back to the betty. but the boy all of a sudden was like, 'my dads coming" and amy was like "well just wait, tell us before u leave so we know ur dad is here"....but the kids just disappeared! im sure his dad got them....but it was kinda scary.

i probably effed that story up. maybe u had to be there.

I-29

2005-06-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

so last night we had a blockbuster runion :) so fun, good plan louie j!

the guest list included former (and present) blockbuster employees....louis, gerg, jenny, jordan, mike, and myself

and guests.....chris, bryce, and mitch

of course we met after louis's BB shift, so yeah around 1 am. at the truckstop. good times. we even created a fire hazard. thats right :)

jenny got a new kitty! he is gray an his name is stud, and i'm very jealous! i'll have to go visit him often.

*****************************************************

in other news, do u ever just have those days? just one of those days, idk. my screen name right now is 'i am what i am" (i suppose 'i am who i am' works too....) neway, its occuring to me that i'm not totally sure who/what i am. idk. lots of confusion goin thru this little head again.

i swear, just when i think i have everything figured out, life throws me another curveball and i'm second guessing myself and others again. eff

kids say the darndest things...

2005-06-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

wow, sorry...i have not written in AGES. thats my bad, i take full blame
this will probably just be me quickly updating....

about the title....little kids are so cute lately. i mean, always, but i've noticed lately.

example A) mykaela, the little girl i babysit.
her and i were outside the other day, she was playing on her slip-n-side. her dad had just recently mowed the grass and hadnt bagged it, so little pieces of grass were stuck all over mykaela. neway, she was gettin a drink of water when i hear this little concerned voice go "jamie? um, is it okay if you swallow grass?" haha it was soo funny. so innocent. i was like "oh i think it'd be okay...did u swallow some?" "no...well idk, i just saw some in my cup"

example B) watchin old man (well, older neway) softball the other day and one of the guys had his son with. his dad hit the ball and the other team caught it, when he walked by to get his glove the little boy ran up to him and was like "dad? how come u hit it to the white team?" haha, everyone was laughing

lets see...what else is new. i'm just workin basketball camp and babysitting. camp is alot of work, long days....i totally respect poeple who work all day on their feet doing like, manual labor. i could never do it.

i guess thats about it for now. thats sad. during the day, i always find myself thinking "oh i could write that in my blog" but then i always forget. i'm not very interesting this summer. haha, oh well

my personality

2005-05-30T02:36:00.000-07:00

i heart this sorta thing :)

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Food indulgent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

the big 2-0

2005-05-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TEALO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
(and many more...that hopefully i am present for)

G.L.M

2005-05-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

Girls Like Me written By Mary Chapin Carpenter

Girls like me aren't hard to find
We grow like roses on the vine
And wear our hearts on our sleeves
You probably know a girl like me

We live alone and in our heads
We eat standing up or in our beds
Guilt and fear merge easily
In the quiet souls of girls like me

And loneliness is like a cold
Common and no cure we're told
We take to bed perchance to dream
In the blue light of the TV screen

Girls like me like summer light
A cold beer on a summer night
And boys who aren't afraid of what they see
Inside the eyes of girls like me

And hopefulness is like a drug
It makes a girl believe in love
And if somehow you love us back
We think there's something wrong with that

Girls like me aren't hard to trust
Your deepest secret's safe with us
And when it's time we set you free
You can always count on girls like me
It's good to know a girl like me
You used to love a girl like me

** i wont set things free that ask to stay**

longer goodbyes...

2005-05-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

SUCKED saying goodbye to my friends. tears tears tears. i miss u guys so much already. teal got a few tears outta me. and then laura and tate just broke me down.

so...said goodbye to my roommate (haylee) yesterday. that was really sad. i honesty could not have a had a better roommate. i did manage to not cry in front of her. yeah me. (ok so i cried when i got into the dorm room...but come on, it was SOO empty. laura, tate, and haylee all gone. nothin but an empty room and me..u woulda cried too)

had a great last day in williston tho. hung out with lori, nathan, and bobby. they 'helped' me finish packing (and by help i mean bobby and nate threw bouncie balls around the room and at me and lori...haha) then we went to lori's and road her dads golf carts! haha, we played tag. but the boys are fat (haha, jk guys) so lori and i were way faster. and lori has skill on a golfcart, wow. minus the freezing cold weather (we couldnt feel our hands...at all) , what lori and i believe was hail, tryin to dodge chunks of flying mud (cheeks and tongues are vulnerable targets), almost being tagged into a ditch full of ice cold ditch water, and coming very close to being runover by a bus full of fieldtrippers, it was a great time. (okay actually, those things made it a better time)

then came sayin goodbye. not a good time. like, 3 rounds of hugs. and lori and i cried, crappage lori! it was soo sad sayin goodbye to you! those 3 went to mcdonalds to eat, i went thru the drive thru...i was cryin when i tried to order, the guy was like "um...could u repeat that?" haha oops. so i called nate while i was waitin for my food and i was like 'i dont wanna go!' i was supposed to leave at 5 to meet my family in minot...at 7 i called my mom and told her i was stayin one more night. haha...then i took my food from the drive thru in to eat with them :)

so last night lori, bobby, nate, cory, and me ended up goin to the drive-in. fever pitch and amittyville horror were both playing. id seen both...but oh well. it was fun :) even tho i fell asleep during amittyville. i was tired ok, back off. emotionally drained

who woulda thought i'd have that much trouble leaving williston? seven months ago, i hated it. but i finally departed at 9:45 this morning. sad times

the best of times
and the best of friends
come to mind
as this year ends
-anon.

as long as we have memories,
yesterday remains
as long as we have hope,
tomorrow awaits
as long as we have friendship,
today is beautiful
-anon.

and in the mornin i'm leavin....

2005-05-12T02:54:00.000-07:00

well its happening. i hated this place so much nine months ago. who woulda thought it would kill me to leave...i had a huge thing all planned out to write in here. but i think i'm just gonna go with something kinda short and sweet. (on here neway...they'll be more indivually you guys.)

just know that this place would not be tolerable with all of you. each one of you means more to me then i probably let u know. i'm sorry if i ever take u guys for granted...this summer is goin to show me how important you all are, and what a huge part of my life you are. u have no idea how much i'm goin to miss ya'll

so, with that said...here's to what turned out to be a spectacular year spent with the greatest people i've ever met :)

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung

Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.
-"Cheers"

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time. -Hobbes (Calvin and…)

whats the meaning of this?

2005-05-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

okay so i couldnt think of a title, so i just used one of the records on my wall :) so lets see, whats new...

yesterday we had volleyball of course, seeing as it was wednesday. it was "teton/coyote fun day"...meaning that the teton (college) vb team played the coyote (highschool) vb team and then they played games with the kids. shoulda been good clean fun right? but nope. the game got all intense and competitive. just a total lack of sportsmanship. it was kind of sad cause it was supposed to be for the kids. i was linejudging, and i was embarrassed cause a lot of parents were there and these 3rd and 4th graders are watching. idk, it just wasnt right.

but after that we all went to the baseball game. that, was a good time. we missed the first game cause of vb. but the second game was exciting. we were down 9-7 goin into the bottom of the 5th... and we (the fans) got so into it. heckling the pitcher and just yelling and yelling (sidenote: tate rocks hard at heckling...haha) so neway, i think runners were on like, 1st and 2nd. 2 outs. and the dawson pitcher doesnt even pitch to dereck - just gives him the base so he can pitch to nevan. cause nevan hadnt been hitting that great yesterday. so its do or die for nevan. either he gets out, game over, or he gets something accomplished. HAHA and nevan crushes the ball...double...3 runs score. we win. it was great. good times

then we came back here and were gonna play some vb. tate and i ran to walmart quick and when we got back the girls were like "we're gonna play annie-i-over!" oh my gosh! SO fun... i probably havent played since i was like 10, but it was soo good. there was probably like 6-7 of us at first...but people just kept joining! haha, they'd come outta the dorms or stop while they were driving by. we probaby ended up with like 12 or so. it was sooo fun. we played for almost 2 hrs i bet. :)

i guess thats about it...but, i have a movie thats like, 5 days late. damn.

criticism

2005-05-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie

Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him.

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

alright, so you guys dont like my writing. fine, dont like it. you think what i write about is stupid, deal with it. if its so dumb, dont read it. i'm going to keep writing, so u can either waste ur time reading my worthless writing, or u can find something better to do...since i'm sure ur time is very precious.

my IQ...(according to tickle tests)

2005-04-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

my IQ is 122...idk if thats good or not :S what does that say about my IQ?

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind.

PS - we rallied the troops today in defense of our beloved Tate...and i believe we came out victorious...so ha

stupid blogger

2005-04-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

i hate blogger....i typed a whole entry! a big one, full of stuff
and now its gone...gone where u ask? idk, ask blogger...grrr

so, now i'm just mad...totally uninspired.

lets see....i'm really sad that schools almost over. dont get me wrong, classes could've ended weeks ago for me. but theres people here i really care about, and i dont want to lose them - and i'm scared i'm gonna. sad times.

okay, enough of that

volleyball...wasnt quite as embarrassing as i had anticpated...but it was close. haha but we must me teaching them well...cause they pointed out stuff we did wrong.

3rd grade girl after our game - "i didnt hear u call 'mine'"
me - "u didnt? oh...well...i did." :S busted

we also had our first games on monday...the kids that is. ever witnessed a 3/4 grade volleyball game? something like this....

serve attempt, net
roll ball under net
serve attempt, net
roll ball under net
serve attempt, over, ball shanked either across the gym or into another childs face
serve attempt, net

for an hour. fun....i'm earning my pay damnit...and i get to do it all over again tomorrow. whoop whoop

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too

- All I Want, Joni Mitchell

wow, sorry

2005-04-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

so i havent posted in a real long time...sorry. now i have a ton to talk about and its probably gonna be rushed and not as good. but i'm makin an effort to update u guys on the happenings in my life :)

i got a job! haylee, teal, and myself are coaching youth volleyball (yes, volleyball) at the rec center. i know what ur thinking, i have no absolutely no business coaching vb. but hey, is it my fault the rec doesnt do a background check to see if the coaches they're hiring have actually played more then 1 yr of vb? i think not. however, it seems this might backfire on me tomorrow...because the main lady informed us that we would be puttin on a little 'demonstration' - and then she informed the little kids that we were gonna show them some "really good vb". *gulp* i'm preparing myself to be rather embarassed tomorrow. haha, oh well...i'm gettin paid.

here's on odd tidbit of info. lately, peope i know are having weird dreams about me. for example...
> teal dreamed that she was holding my engagement ring (for those of u who dont know, im soo not engaged)
> my roommate haylee had a dream that i had a baby...at school. like, it lived in our dorm with us.
> laura, my suitemate, had a dream that i was pregnant

so these were weird, but we all hang out all the time..so its not completely bizzare that their brains would be thinking alike

enter the kicker....last week in bio, amanda (this girl we only know from class) walks in and is like "jamie i had the weirdest dream about you!" to which i joking reply "it wasnt that i was pregnant was it?" and she gets this surprised look on her face and nods. she's like "yeah that was it!" hmmm....idk what to make of this

this past weekend was probably the best weekend of 2005. this weekend rocked hard. a) i got to go home, which could be enough said...but it gets better. b) NEW FOUND GLORY CONCERT. fan-freakin-tastic. i had the best time. hearing them sing the songs you love in person, i cant even explain it. when they sang "I Dont Wanna Know" there was a mere ONE PERSON in between me and the bar in front of the stage. i could have died happy. nothing compares.
there are a few bands i still need to see live (not want to...NEED to) this list includes, but is not limited to
> Blink 182 > Relient K
> Greenday > Our Lady Peace

also this weekend i hung out with my old friends Kevin, Pat, and Casey. kevin sat behind me in ap bio junior year and pat sat next to him. they all go to und so i hung out at their dorms pretty much all weekend. between the concert and hangin out with those guys i acquired a mere 9 hrs of sleep fri night thru sun morning. ouch. when i left their dorm on sat night (technically, sunday morning) the sun was coming up. oops :)
i met some of their friends from school too. one of these friends i have become quite taken with :) his names nick...but thats another post. (teal, i'm tryin to control my giddyness...promise) haha

well...i think thats about it for now. oh wait, sorry for the series of depressing posts. i let myself get sulky. but i'm much much better now :) all smiles and warm fuzzies

Both Sides Now

2005-04-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

my mind draws a blank every time i try to write in here...i'm now speaking thru quotes and lyrics. heres my latest fav lyrics (i was introduced to them by Love Actually...wow, i could not love that movie ne more then i do)

Both Sides Now
(JONI MITCHELL)

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads
And they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all

opposing viewpoints

2005-04-11T01:37:00.000-07:00

which one is true? or are they both? right now, i'm strongly agreeing with the first one...but i'll keep an open mind

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Rose Walker

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
--Erica Jong

useful....

2005-04-11T01:25:00.000-07:00

so the comment was made tonight -- "if u you have argue for ur usefulness, its probably not there" --

good point.

have u ever just felt really useless? like, the world around you would just keep moving in ur absence? (okay this sounds suidical or something....i mean like, for example...this summer when we all go away) i dont really know how to explain this.

another thing (which i wont mention) was said tonight that just got me thinking of the past. the near past...and how much i miss it; how much i took it for granted.

oh well....here's my new quote - which if i'm lucky will motivate me :)

I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward.
-Firdtjof Nansen

random stuff i found....

2005-04-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

that makes me laugh -- the first ones is my fav

a lot of teachers are switching to printed course manuals instead of books. They're exactly like books, only poorly-made, more expensive, and not able to be returned at the end of the year. Why don't you just write "bwahahaha!" in huge letters on my receipt?

- Matt Boor’s Ah, College

Excuses. It sucks to give an honest excuse for missing class and your professor telling you he's "heard it too much before." Why does an excuse's popularity matter? It won't make it any less true. Maybe you'd be better off with creative lies? "I'm sorry I didn't come to class yesterday. I was dead." - Matt Boor’s Ah, College

For the rest of the week before Spring Break, I guess I'll just have to try and stay focused and finish my work before I get to enjoy myself. And that's going to be tough, because in the middle of that last sentence I actually stopped writing, slept eight hours, and saw a movie.

- Matt Boor’s Ah, College

I was stressed about studying, so I talked to one of my professors. He suggested I go pick up a pamphlet on finals stress management. Well, that solves the problem of not having enough to read...

-Matt Boor’s Ah, College

well...

2005-04-07T01:01:00.000-07:00

so there's a couple reasons i havent wrote nething lately....

a) my computer doesnt really like me, and wasnt feelin me writing in my blog and 2)i just didnt (and dont) have nething to say...i'm w/o words

those combined as a sign that i just wasnt supposed to write
so since i have nothing to say, i'm just gonna put a few random quotes and lyrics and what not that describe how i feel lately...alright here goes

I always waste my time just wondering what the next man thinks of me....

What do u do when u look in the mirror, and what u see is why he’s not here

I've hung around you
It's getting tough
I think I'm gonna break down soon
I'm so sorry
Got to the station a little too late
Such a shame
We just missed the train

I dont want the sympathy
Its cool you didnt want me
Sometimes you cant go back

Ever since I've known you, It just seems you're on my way

this last one is just something i've been thinking.... "how do u let urself miss out on something that felt so right? something that made u feel okay again?"

oh F word

2005-04-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

and just when u think u finally figure things out....life kicks u in the face again

this is fast becoming a really tired story line in my life

ode to the swing

2005-03-31T23:14:00.000-08:00

okay so im not writing a poem or nething....sorry

tonight, was a real good night. first we all (teal, tate, haylee, laura, nate, josh, and myself) went out to a bonfire...good times, even tho apparently i attract smoke. i dont. promise.

then we moved on to the park. i love parks. merry-go-round first. always fun. relaxing in a weird way. then i hit the swings. the swing is by far, hands down, the best piece of playground equipment ever created. i could swing forever. especially at night. its so calm and relaxing...to just put ur head back and watch as the stars get closer, then farther away, then closer again. amazing feeling for me. and my head just clears and i can think.

tonight i got stuff figured out. finally. i wont go into details on what i was thinking about....but my conclusion is this - let it be - . just keep quiet and life will be much simpler for, well for the other party involved. i dont wanna complicate things cause at this point, we have a little over a month left together. and i dont wanna risk that. its too late

one month...seems like such a short time. it doesnt seem like enough to time to do everything, to know everything, to say everything. so why exacerbate things...i'll just let it be.

close encounter

2005-03-31T14:46:00.000-08:00

hmm...last night was, interesting. as usual, i ended up being the last of us four girls to get in the shower. so i start the shower, and pop into laura & tate's room to make sure they dont need nething out of the bathroom. laura says no, but i cant find tate - oh well.

so - i go back into the bathroom, lock the door. hang up my towel next to the shower, remove any articles of clothing i dont want to get wet...and get in the shower. the whole process probably takes a couple of minutes. neway, im in the shower for about 20 seconds when i hear someone squeel and go running by the shower!

it scared me soo bad, i almost died! i screamed. yup, screamed. then i realize it was tate! LOL she was in the bathroom the whole time and just didnt say anything. i thought it was hilarious - i was like, 'tate! why didnt u just say something?!' or why didnt u just lock the door? i would've waited if u were goin potty or something

so thats my close encounter....

however, an intersting fact has been brought to my attention -- it appears that what i had previously thought to be a misunderstanding...was intentional!! tate was hiding in the bathroom on purpose! CREAPER

tell me something...

2005-03-30T01:18:00.000-08:00

alright...i havent posted in awhile, my apologies to the handful of you that care.

neway, been thinking a lot lately - i want people in my life who arent afraid to tell me something about myself that i may not realize. people who dont tiptoe around me, attempting to avoid confrontation. i'm not sayin i want drama in my life...i want honesty. if i'm annoying, mean, needy, whatever - i want someone who'll let me know. i mean, not in an asshole way; dont make me feel like shit. but if u can point out my flaws in an effort to make me a better person, i'll respect the hell out of you.

its just that, sometimes i really dont think i know myself at all...

so i propose this -- if any of ya'll have something to tell me, anything at all; something about me, about you, about whatever. let me have it. on here, or in person or whatever. but the floor is yours. a chance to tell me something you've wanted to tell me but werent sure you should...people, give me the good, bad, and ugly of jamie. teach me something about myself. please :)

AMEN

2005-03-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

so i stole this from someone's blog, who had stolen it from someone else's blog...so, idk what that means but...yeah ne way, its GREAT advice...and its what i want :(

“Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who stays awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who pursues you, who kisses your forehead, who does random things to make sure you know how much he cares, who wants to show you off when you are in sweats, who thinks you are the prettiest when you have no makeup on, who holds your hand always…because he wants to. Wait for the guy who would do anything to spend time with you, who always asks you how you are doing and who truly thinks he is 'lucky.' The one who looks at his friends and says, 'that’s her.'”

beautiful

nastalgic

2005-03-26T20:01:00.000-08:00

so just a few minutes ago i ran outside to grab a little something outta my car quick...and the weather just felt so perfect. idk exactly how to explain it. but i was running and the smell and feel just hit me, and i stopped and just breathed in and looked around.

the sun was almost set, the sky was like a rusty pink and orange and blue....the snow is almost completely melted...it just reminded me of shooting around with my dad or sisters or wayne, rollerblading with andra, driving around w/DQ, goin over to His house on sunday nights, having fires in the backyard, sittin outside talkin...

idk, it was a really good feeling. but kinda sad at the same time...knowin things probably wont ever be like that again. hmm, gave me stuff to think about i guess

Sidnote (or PS for those of u who find it soo funny): Happy Easter!

Sensitive

2005-03-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

okay, so this has been one of my favorite songs since gentina introduced me to it freshman year. when we had to sing solo's to audtion ~gasp, i know...scary~ for concert choir when i was a sophmore, i sang this song (and jonathan played guitar, i LOVE that kid) ne way, its an amazing song. and i love it. so, read, download, enjoy

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

When I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it people who have some faith

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way
~I'm Sensitive, Jewel

will you follow him?

2005-03-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

alright, so this is gonna be a religous post. so those of u who arent interested, might wanna pass on this one.

so, i just recently returned home from the good friday church service. actually, it was more of a reinactment of the crucifiction called Driving Nails. so i'm feelin inspired.

i've been complaining lately that i feel unworthy of love or whatever...but really, i've been ignoring the unconditional love that i recieve from God. the kind of love that jesus had for us, do die the way he did for us...its really amazing if you think about it. they sang this song idk what it was called, but one line was
"i love you, thats what calvary said...i love you, written in letters of red"

needless to say i cried during the program. but its really really moving. i'm a religous person, but since i went to school i've been kind of neglecting that part of my life. i mean, i pray every night and whenever else i feel the urge - but i havent been attending church and i can just feel it missing. after i go to church i just feel calm, content...idk how to explain it. but yeah.

so neway, we said this prayer asking God into our lives. they call it 'recieving christ', which i've done before. but neway, this prayer is just a good one. so i'm gonna share it with you. (if u dont believe in God or whatever, just dont say the prayer, its that simple...)

Dear Lord Jesus,
I do believe You are the Son of God and that you died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin.
Please come into my life, forgive my sin, and make me a member of Your family. I now turn from going my own way. I want You to be the center of my life.
Thank you for Your gift of eternal life and for Your Holy Spirit who had now come to live in me.
I ask this in Your name. Amen

so if anyone hasnt been to a reinactment like this, i recommend it. its really an amazing experience.

reaking havic in walmart

2005-03-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

so...today, my friend lori and i ventured to walmart to pick up a few items and drop off my camera at the 1 hr. photo. we had no idea what we were getting ourselves in to.

so on our way i realize that i have a picture left...cant allow that. so, logically, we go to the old lady hat department; get big old hats, and take our picture. the flash was immediatly followed by some old lady scolding us "ladies, u are not allowed to take photographs in here..."who knew? and she was scowling when she said it.

so we drop off the film

then we move on to the 'facial astringent' section...lori was interested in tryin some out. however, she didnt want nething that, and i quote "smelled to alcoholic or burny" so, of course we're both hard at work smelling toner and astringent when i stumble across that 'morning glow' stuff. which is orange and supposed to wake u up, so we assumed it must smell okay. so i hand the bottle to lori, turn away for like .2 seconds, and to my left i hear a tiny little "eeee!"

lori, in her attempt to smell the toner, has squirted herself in the face. and morning glow toner is dripping off her face, out her nose, out her mouth onto the floor. yeah, thats right. squirted herself - in the face. funniest thing ever. of course we panicked and ran away, leaving a puddle of toner behind us. haha lori, never a dull moment with ya!

it doesnt end there tho...she also got 'john freida - radiant red' shampoo on her nose. smooth, very smooth

and of course, our adventure came full circle when we picked up my pictures, got in her car (armed with our very cherry gumballs) and took a look at our 'against the law, hat' pic...and proceeded to laugh insanely for about the next 5 minutes. we're quite photogenic. haha ;)

lori, we gotta go to walmart more often

my ideal

2005-03-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

so i was talkin to a couple of my female friends this weekend, and i happened to mention that a certain someone was my 'ideal'. (as in ideal guy) so of course this made me think....i'm tryin to compile a list of qualities, traits, characteristics or whatever ur want to call them. but things that my ideal would have or whatever.

so lets see - where to begin (these arent really in order of importance or nething..just in the order i thought of them in)

*honest
*loyal
*sense of humor comparable to my own...which tends to be alittle dark at times, i'm not gonna apologize :)
*kind...kindess is so sexy! ;)
*not afraid of what others think about him
*into sports..at least someone who will sit thru a basketball game with me, maybe two
*physically (hey, looks are semi important okay) the first thing i look at is neck, hands, eyes eyes eyes :) oh and i like skinny guys...like, tallish skinny guys (if thats confusing, let me know - i'll try to explain better)

i'll think of more....really i'm not all too picky. i mean, my type is pretty inclusive. i could fall for neone ;)

look what i found

2005-03-20T19:05:00.001-08:00

haha oh gosh, i'm SURE ya'll are gonna make fun of me for this, but i found this poem, and i love it. its hilarious....

Bleezer's Ice Cream

I am Ebenezer Bleezer,
I run BLEEZER'S ICE CREAM STORE,
there are flavors in my freezer
you have never seen before,
twenty-eight divine creations
too delicious to resist,
why not do yourself a favor,
try the flavors on my list:

COCOA MOCHA MACARONI
TAPIOCA SMOKED BALONEY
CHECKERBERRY CHEDDAR CHEW
CHICKEN CHERRY HONEYDEW
TUTTI-FRUTTI STEWED TOMATO
TUNA TACO BAKED POTATO
LOBSTER LITCHI LIMA BEAN
MOZZARELLA MANGOSTEEN
ALMOND HAM MERINGUE SALAMI
YAM ANCHOVY PRUNE PASTRAMI
SASSAFRAS SOUVLAKI HASH
SUKIYAKI SUCCOTASH
BUTTER BRICKLE PEPPER PICKLE
POMEGRANATE PUMPERNICKEL
PEACH PIMENTO PIZZA PLUM
PEANUT PUMPKIN BUBBLEGUM
BROCCOLI BANANA BLUSTER
CHOCOLATE CHOP SUEY CLUSTER
AVOCADO BRUSSELS SPROUT
PERIWINKLE SAUERKRAUT
COTTON CANDY CARROT CUSTARD
CAULIFLOWER COLA MUSTARD
ONION DUMPLING DOUBLE DIP
TURNIP TRUFFLE TRIPLE FLIP
GARLIC GUMBO GRAVY GUAVA
LENTIL LEMON LIVER LAVA
ORANGE OLIVE BAGEL BEET
WATERMELON WAFFLE WHEAT

I am Ebenezer Bleezer,
I run BLEEZER'S ICE CREAM STORE,
taste a flavor from my freezer,
you will surely ask for more.

by Jack Prelutsky

try and tell me u didnt smile when u read that....

be the one worth fighting for...

2005-03-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

alright, so its been a few days since i wrote anything cause i've been computerless at the state class B boys basketball tourny since thursday. good time, but more on that later

once again, i'm not able to sleep at night. (however, whenever my friends and i attempt to watch a movie, i'm gone...just cant sleep when i want to)

so, i once again find myself up til all hours of the night thinking. im beginning to believe that i should be medicated for my problem with 'overthinking'....its bad.

i'm sure all of u are wondering what has been occupying my mind...i guess its not really anything specific. it has come to my attention, thru discussions i've had recently and all my time spent thinking, that i'm really terrified that i'm not worth the effort.

(i feel the need to make an insertion here...i am so not depressed. really.)

okay, but i'm pretty sure this all comes from my hopelessly romantic heart. its a bit of a curse. okay, but i just have this horrible feeling that i'm really replaceable. in a 'oh well its over, i'm fine' sort of way. its proven true in the past...i mean, i know some people just arent ment to be, and so therefor obviously move on. but i just want love that is worth sacrificing for, the kind of love where u look at someone and say "my life is not complete w/o you, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you" (of course, to a healthy point..i mean, 'whatever it takes' in sane nonfreakish way)just, the type of feeling where you cant just give up on it.

to illistrate what i mean, here's one of my absolute favorite quotes...

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
--Erica Jong

trust me, i am fully aware of how dangerous my romanticism is becoming. real life very well may not ever fulfill my romantic dreams. but i look at my parents, and i mean, its not like some cheesy romance novel or fairytail - but they are so in love, so perfect for eachother. the kind of couple that u just know was ment for eachother because you could never picture them with anyone else.

and so far, it seems that maybe i'm lacking the qualities that attract love worth fighting for, risking everything for. i do however, possess a firm grasp on the qualities that allow for a lack of trust in me and also allow for it to be ridiculously easy to get over me. :) ouch huh? i guess in a way its almost exciting knowin that someday i will find that. but right now, its just really annoying that the person i feel that way about, isnt feeling it.

that leads me to a question....do you get over past love when u meet ur next love? or do you have to be over past love before new love can begin?

(okay, and so this week while i was home...someone, who will remain nameless, told me that i am Daria. do u remember daria on mtv? am i daria???)

my first blind date

2005-03-16T01:15:00.000-08:00

where to begin...my friend from HS,alyssa. we went out for dinner at speedway last night, and she mentions that she has this male friend who saw a picture of me and was interested in meeting me. (lol i know, its crazyiness) so one thing leads to another, and before i can say 'i'm am so not cool enough to go on a blind date', i'm on a blind date.

i have to admit, i accepted this blind invitation partly to remind myself that whether i want to or not, i have to move on. ('dont hold on, go get strong' yeah yeah yeahs...that was my inspiration on this little adventure) i went into with no expectations, little lone high ones.

righto, ok so before i go into details of tonights events between the hours of 6:35 and about 9:10...i must state that mr. blind date (eric) was a super nice guy. i have no problems with him in the least...he's a good guy.

that said, let me start from the beginning

movie started at 7:15, so when he asked what time he should pick me up, i logically figured around 7. i live close to the theator. he suggests, how bout 6:15...6:15! a whole hour early. to which i calmly reply, 'well how bout closer to 6:30 cause my moms makin supper and i was gonna eat with my family'. so ok, agreed. he pulls up at approx. 6:35...i go to the car, open the door, and immediatly am hit with a shocklingly strong scent of cologne. as i got into the car, i took what turned out to be my last breathe of fresh air all evening.

i'm usually not picky about attire when it comes to guys...but this guy was just the total opposite of my taste. i felt underdressed for the occasion in my jeans and sweashirt + vest
item a) leather coat...not jacket, like tough guy motorcycle jacket or something, but coat. like with collar and buttons and cuffed sleeves. comparable to a womans coat.
item b) leather gloves (nuff said)
item c) the comment, "i need to get my hair done...like, cut and highlighted, but last time it cost me $150." (editors note: i got my hair cut today, and i wrote a measly $25 check, including tip. and i look damn fine)
item d) the comment, "i went tanning the other day" (guys, no matter how pale u think u are, dont go to a tanning bed...i love u for u, not ur fake orange tan..or ur expensive highlights)

but hey, i'm not a vain person. i'm giving the guy a chance, cause he seems real nice and besides, who am i to judge. (and as it turns out, is real nice) so we get to the movie, he pays, two tickets to The Curse (nice guy). however, pick up at 6:35, movie at 7:15 we are like 25 minutes early to this movie. we walk into theater #9, which i had taken as a good sign, seein as 9's my lucky number...ne way, we walk in to an EMPTY theater. thats right, just the Cologne and i. plus, we're so early that nothin is on the screen yet. just a blank screen. so the scene so far is this -- very empty, lighted theatre, blank screen, cheesy background music--

we force small talk for 20 minutes and mericfully, God smiles on us and the previews begin. so all is well, we're watchin the movie, jumping at the scary parts and what not...when suddenly my date sits up in his seat, reaches towards me (i was scared ok, i didnt know what was happening,and it was happening so fast...) and grabs my hand. not smooth at all. just grabs it. so now we're very unromantically holding hands. and to top it off, he rubs the side of my hand with his thumb, which generally, is unbelieveably adorable in my book. but i dont know this guy, and he certainly does not know me...and all i can think is "wtf, why r we holding hands? and why why r u rubbing my hand?" but here's the best part - he was holding my hand SO HARD...idk if he thought i was gonna try to run away or something....but i honestly lost feeling in all four fingers and my thumb. it got to the point where it actually hurt. and what was i supposed to do? how do u say something? "um, excuse me? yeah sorry...but could u not hold my hand so tight? i think my fingers r gonna fall off" so i just endured it.

and as if this isnt bad enough...ladies ur gonna love this next part. (and gentlemen, if u dont wanna hear about my boob, skip this paragraph) so he's sittin to my left right, and ensuring that i will never have full use of my left hand again...when all of a sudden, my left boob itches SO bad. and can i do nething about it? of course not. i cant reach with my right hand, its way to obvious...my left hand is in the bear trap, so i just had to endure that as well.

scenario recap here -- cant breathe (cologne), sharp pain in the fingers i can still feel,(mentioning the boob again) increasingly annoying boob itch--

so this went on thru the entire movie. and the movie wasnt that great. it was ok, a little funny at times. but at one point, a werwolf actually flips someone off. that was kinda lame. but oh well.

so thats my blind date experience. my hand is recovering nicely, but it was touch and go there for awhile

finally!

2005-03-14T13:39:00.000-08:00

so i finally got to sleep in today, and trust me...i took full advantage. i have been up for approx. i hr and 15 min. haha, i'm lazy its horrible.

yesterdays roadtrip went well; dad, jodee, and i arrived safely in wahpeton. it was such a good game! our guys came out so strong, were up by 12 at one point. then our posts (they only have 3 of em) started gettin into a little foul trouble. we were up by 3 at halftime; tied at 56 with about 8 minutes left...and it all went downhill from there. we ended up losing by about 20. it was a tough loss for the guys. but hopefully most of them will get to spend a little time at home now over spring break...that should help the wounds.

last night kamala called, that was cool. her, jenny, and i watched about 6 or so episodes of sex and the city (great show). we also went to the Pepper, so basically it was a good night :) it was fun to see the girls again.

not much on the agenda for today...possibly open gym with the red river boys team. and tomorrow?? oh yes, gettin a haircut! susan squeezed me in, haha. I'm SO happy to be home! should be a good week

shocking

2005-03-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

wow...lake region absolutely pounded iowa western today. beat em by almost 40. LR shot almost 70% from the field, while iowa barely managed a 22%. also, iowas coach? INSANE...i cant even describe it. you'd just have to see it for yourself, probably the worst, meanest coach i've ever seen in person. i wish ya'll coulda seen him...

what else...i'm home! 5 hr drive with my daddy :)it was fun, i tried soo hard not to fall asleep. i made it 2 hrs, then slept for like an hour and half. oops. we got some quality talk time in tho, daddy/daughter bonding. no worries.

hmm...i guess thats it for now. tomorrow my dad, jodee, and i head to wahpeton to watch the Teton men play at 2. road trip #2 with the pops :) should be fun

(this was probably pointless and boring to read, my apologies)

dont hold ur breath

2005-03-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

(i already wrote this after the game...but apparently it didnt work...damn u blogger)

well...we got rocked tonight. lost by 19...i think we were down by 13 within the first 2 minutes of the game. it wasnt for lack of effort on our part or anything...those girls were men. to beat them, we would have had to have played the perfect game and then multiplied it by two. needless to say, we didnt do that tonight.

word on the street is that there were scouts at our game from ucla, purdue, u of i, watching a girl from iowa w. she was amazing. the best player that i've ever played against. she had 23 points in the first half. i think she finished with at least 35. so fast...crazy.

so our season has come to an end. its weird that its just now sinking in, but i play college basketball. i've completed a whole season of college basketball rather sucessfully. and i've loved it...for all the hard work, sweat, sprained ankles, bruises, complaining - i've loved it. and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the girls on this team. i'm in awe of all the sophmores, they're amazing. i'm gonna miss em next year. but it'll be exciting to the 'experienced' sophmores. haha

now starts spring break. Going Home! i'm excited. as i've said before, home is good. great. wondermous. i'm sure 9 days at home will give me plenty to write about in here :) my Andra has her last game of the '05 state tournament tomorrow morning. Good Luck little sister! i love u :) as for the JoDee, her little 5th grade travelin team was victorious 32-4 today.

ok i think thats all for now...i'm sleepy. Gnight ya'll :)

Have a good spring break! (i'll miss you guys - u know who u are)

just breathe

2005-03-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

so today's the day...go big or go home. we play iowa western at 5 to decide whether our season is over or not...rumor has it that these girls are quite good. ranked 11th in the nation at one time. i guess now they're only ranked like, 21st or so. right. one of the girls in our dorm saw the team gettin off their bus and she said, and i quote "there is no way those are women". right

my dads coming, so that helps. i'm soo nervous tho. intense nerves....waynes coming to. i'm really glad he's coming, it means a lot to me.

anyway, wish us luck and say a prayer for the Tetons at 5! :) (not that we need ur prayers...its just a nice gesture...) haha

whats my number u ask?

2005-03-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

so...this was kinda acurate to the point of being a little scary. for those of u who know me well, u'd probably agree :)

Your Love Number is

4

You are a creative and expressive lover - a true romantic at heart.
An introspective soul, you know exactly how your ideal relationship should be.
But if you don't get that ideal, you tend to get a bit pouty and dramatic.
You need someone who can roll with the punches, that's for sure!

What Is Your Love Number?

we will rock you...

2005-03-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

tonight after the region games, dean nate and josh came over here....

before josh got here i was talkin on the phone to wayne, and nate called me into the room. and to my horror, Bear (my stuffed animal...yes i sleep with him, i have for like,4 yrs. back off) neway, Bear was HANGING FROM THE SMOKE DETECTOR IN OUR ROOM BY MY PHONE CHARGER!! it was the saddest thing ever...i wanted to cry for sure! i love that Bear, i'm sorry. its sad i know, but i love him and i actually find it hard to sleep w/o him. i HATE sleeping alone. haha...no i really do tho.

so then josh came over, and started watching A Knights Tale (which is where we will rock u came from by the way) neway, i was eating grapes right? and i accidentally thru a stem on the floor (ok it happened a few times...haha) and tate lost her mind. i got pummeled.

later tho, tate was bein all crabby...so i attemped to give her a hug to try and form peace. but she fought it again. but who was victorious? ME...thats right, i was a little scrapper...however, she did bang my ankle into the bed pretty good, and put her naked toe in my ear. that wasnt pleasant. at all. i hate bare feet. ew

haha so that was my night...exciting i know. i'm such a loser :)

Jamie, you're a Poet!

2005-03-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

~~my quiz addiction is gonna be the death of all of us~~

You are complex and artistic with a rich inner life. Chances are you're a bit shy and quiet, and you enjoy peaceful, comfortable environments. You're an interesting person to know, full of insights and inspiration, even though you're sometimes hesitant to express them.

You enjoy intense one-on-ones or small, intimate dinner parties. You don't always make friends easily and you relish the ones you have. You don't like to juggle too much at work and can get stressed out by major upheavals.

what flavour am i?

2005-03-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

I taste like Bread.

I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

~if i didnt taste like bread, i'd taste like...

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.

I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

oh NO!! :(

2005-03-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

alright, so maybe i'm a little too attatched emotionally...but my dad coaches, and i love love love watching him coach. he has so much passion and love for the game. he knows the game soo well. ever since i was a little little kid i've been watching him coach. and now, after almost 20 yrs, he wants to become a principal. and to do that, he probably has to give up coaching.

tonight, my dads team played in the first round of the regional tourny - single elimination. all i could do was listen on the radio. they were up the whole game...and lost by 1 at the buzzer. guy missed a shot, other guy got the rebound, made it at the buzzer. (the radio guy said he thought maybe the shot was late, but thats besides the point) they lost...and all i can think is that my dad must be so hurt. he takes pride in his team and he loves those guys...and i know he wanted to go to state. and i'm just heartbroken knowing i couldnt be there to support him in what very well may be his last game. :(

my family is the most important thing in the world to me....

i just wanna go to bed...

open your eyes...

2005-03-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

"Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself and yourself alone one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
~ DonJuan

you cant rush these things...

2005-03-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

i have nothing to write about...but i'm being pressured (u know who u are) to make an entry today...so its gonna be crap, and its out of my hands

i bought the Hoosiers special edition dvd this weekend...i love that movie, it reminds me of my dad for some reason. so if anyone wants to watch Hoosiers with me, give me a call, we'll set something up :)

also invested in my musical education this weekend....i bought two cds.
1)MmHmm by Relient K -- soo good. i give it my recommendation
2)Final Straw by Snow Patrol -- another good one. never heard of them, but i'm glad i stumbled across them

lets see....oh i come from a family of champions. haha...my dads team won their district (District champs, 2 yrs in a row!) and my little sister andra's team won the EDC tournament, woo hoo Riders :) and my other little sister jodee's traveling team won their tourny too :) its been a good week in the Wheeler household. for basketball ne way. haha

im happy to report that josh recovered nicely from the 21st birthday ordeal...although it wasnt all too difficult seeing as he only had 2 beers (wink wink) and he did have an imaginary conversation with me...hmm

well, thats all i got...i hope i've satified those of you who apparently have an insatiable appetite for my writing :) haha

Birthday Week

2005-03-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

so many birthdays this week, my hand is cramped from writing cards :)

SO

happy birthdays to you, happy birthdays to you, happy birthdays dear jenny, gma, and josh! happy birthdays to you

haha ok now that i got that outta my system...

on the agenda for this evening...just us girls watchin some scary movies (idk why i'm choosing this, i only watch like, half the movie cause i get scared and cover my eyes the whole time...big baby) neway, what else...

oh! today is josh's actual birthday, so and extra HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUN! to him :) haha, josh slept at our dorm last nigh (oh yeah, thats against the rules, we're rebels in suite 1) him and i just crashed on laura and tate's floor. haha dont worry, it was all innocent :) we all slept til like 2 today, cept tate, idk what time she got up. we're lazy, it was a beautiful day and we wasted it. oopsi :) haha

well, we're off to watch Shawn of the Dead. sidenote: i found a kick-ass knitted hat in tate's car tonight when we rented our movie. its green...and white. and it rocks my world :) haha!

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

2005-03-04T12:32:00.001-08:00

that quote has nothing to do with my entry today...i just couldnt think of a title and i like that quote :)

i've been thinking a lot lately about next year. a few of the girls on the team that i've grown quite close to are very strongly considering not coming back next year :(...sad. plus, 5 sophmores graduate. so next year will be like, entirely knew people. i love the girls this year, they're so much fun. and knowing next year will be different is just really sad to me. like, heavy sad.

and that led me to think of after next year (some of u know how my mind works...it goes like a billion miles per hour and thinks about every possible outcome...try living like that people) but yeah, after next year we'll all split up anyway, even if laura and tate do come back. after next year they'll go back to south dakota, lacey will go back to iowa or who knows where, haylee will venture out, lori will probably stay on this side of the state, i'll go back to the East (teal, thankfully, is coming with me)...its just so sad!

its not even just the girls from the team either...the other friends we've made this year are all older then us...so most of them will likely leave too. :( one yr doesnt seem like enough time to spend with the people u care about. especially when we all feel the year starting to wind down.

its just strange knowing that next year we have to kind of start over with it all again.

i could try to be an optomist here and realize that its just an oppurtunity to make even more good friends :) idk if i'm feeling that yet tho, haha

why i love tots

2005-03-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

shes devistatingly beautiful in every way... she can shoot like no other... shes just all around so awesome in every way. I fall asleep at night praying to wake up in her shoes. Shes my favorite roommate and i love her more then anyone else!

ok i'm gonna put this here just in case no one bothers to read the comment....tate wrote all this :) however, some of it, well..most of it, is true :) she's a big dork tho, arent u tots.

what if?

2005-03-02T13:47:00.000-08:00

u hear it all the time when ur tryin to make a big decision...people tell you "you dont want to look back and say 'what if?'"...but i was thinking. isnt 'what if?' somewhat unavoidable? i mean, theres always at least 2 sides to a decision...so by picking one you automatically create a 'what if?'. just, if the decision turns out well, then we choose to ignore the 'what if'. only in the rubble of the poor decision do we awknowledge the 'what if'.

(ooo...could that be quoteable? let me know...haha)

i just had an uh-oh thought...

2005-02-28T01:14:00.000-08:00

sooo..talkin to nathan tonight. and i made this comment

"maybe u just havent known me long enough to find what i lack"

and then i read over it...and seriously, what a horrible thought. yikes..haha sometimes i think my attempt at 'deep thoughts' ends up coming off as depressing. i'm not depressed :) cross my heart

on a lighter note, my late night venture into blog readin lead me to this...

Jamie is the #146 most common female name.
0.153% of females in the US are named Jamie.
Around 195075 US females are named Jamie.

good to know

i cant think of a clever title...

2005-02-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

hmm...so. how do i feel today? tired...just tired in general. tired of williston, tired of school, tired of basketball, tired of boys...gosh am i tired of boys. why do i think that a boy will make me happy? if i would just pay attention to life experience, i'd notice that boys do not make me happy. (ok they have their moments) but more so *especially lately* they make me stressed, nervous, edgy, sad, dissapointed (usually in myself), frustrated, confused, sick...none of these are qualities i would like some to describe me as. ("oh yeah i know jamie...the nervous one. always on edge" haha) idk, i'm just tired of the boy scene. tired of thinking 'oh, finally!' just so i can go 'aw crap'. ya know?

yeah i dont even really know, so i dont expect you to know. i just want to feel INSPIRED again. when i was with wayne, i just felt so inspired...its dumb. but true. i just wanted to make him happy...thereby making myself happy. ugh, idk.

someone inspire me!

this post may be inspired (no pun intended) by my total lack of energy or just general 'funness' right now...combined with me being utterly weighed down with unforgiving biology homework (due to my lack of effort this weekend)

i'm also tired of being told how i should feel..what i should feel...what i should be doing or not doing. i just wanna BE for a little while...just let me be. idk what i want...i dont want to know what i want...just let me be. i really should have gone home this weekend (damn morti...ok i forgive u). home always helps me clear my head. my family (esp. Andra --my angel--) always puts things in perspective for me. she's the only one i want to talk to right now.

favorite song quote right now: "i find it so romantic when u look into my beautiful eyes and lose control" - who let u go, 'the killers'

good ol' SNL

2005-02-27T03:53:00.000-08:00

i'm watching a really old episode of saturday night live....idk how old, but george carlin has lots of brown hair, if that helps. neway, funny part --

"the u.s. postal service came out with a new stamp commemorating prostitution in the united states. its a 10 cent stamp, but if u wanna lick it - its a quarter."
~chevy chase, weekend update, snl

idk but that cracked me up :) good times

wow, goose

2005-02-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

lacey and i went to church today at 5; she's a catholic tho (im lutheren). it was my first time at a catholic church - other then when i went to my cousins first communion a few years ago. and i dont remember that being an actual church survice for some reason. neway, it was an interesting experience. lots of kneeling..and i couldnt really understand the 'father' or pastor...what r they called in catholic? yeah idk

then we went to Goose's place (he's our assistant coach) cause lace and i r the only two girls from the team that didnt go home this weekend. he made chicken and rice...it was so good. wow

we all got into a discussion about how hot a certain person was on a scale of 1-10, lace said he was a 9.5 and i was, 'a 9.5? thats high! at this point, i'd settle for a 6'...apparently this was humorous. idk, i'm serious tho...i'd take a 6

it is 10:11 on Friday night...

2005-02-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

and i am sitting in my dorm room, alone. fully ready to go out and do whatever i may find to do. one problem, i have no one to take me anywhere...someone come get me! haha

today, i threw myself into cleaning my dorm room. i have done well...its smells good, it looks good. i do need to vacuum still, but the dorm vac is for sure MIA right now. damn.

but like i said, i need something to do...any takers?

poor morti :(

2005-02-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

i took my car (mortimur) in today cause he needed a little oil change...plus, he gives off an offensive burning gas odor whenever i drive him (which, coincidentally, isnt that often - due to said offensive odor). anyway! so i take him into Minute Lube (insert giggle here) for a check up. they change the oil, no problem.

(here i think that its appropriate to mention that i may or may not have gone in the ditch on my way back to school after christmas break...hmm did i mention this before? who knows..neway, yeah slippery roads + my awful girly driving = spinning several times on my way into the ditch + a scary, snowboard style skidding stop)

so that happened...and now i've been informed by the Minute Lube lady (giggle again) that poor Morti has a leak of somekind. okay so i'm what some might call 'car illiterate'...but i what got out of her explanation is this. -- either the transmition fluid (is there sucha thing? haha) or oil...is leaking. and dripping onto either the heater?? or radiator?? which is causing the smell -- and the lady said i can either get it fixed, or deal with the smell.

my gosh, i'm even more UN real-world independent than i originally thought. sad

what is happening?

2005-02-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

so...i'm gettin as tired as u are of listening to my whining about how trageic my life is. but i have one more in me, so either bare with me or quit reading now...

all of my life i've been taught to tell the truth. dont lie. lying only leads to people getting hurt. BE HONEST

and trust me, i thought a lot recently about whether that was good advice or not. and i went with honesty..be honest, its my best bet.

and where, u may ask, has all my good-intentioned honesty gotten me? well, i've lost the best guy friend i have here. and probably the second one too, seeing as my hanging out or talking to him his only causing friend 1 pain. this sounds selfish, but its not the losing them part that sucks...its the fact that i've hurt josh, immensely. and i cant fix it...

so, i dont get it. i thought lying was the part that hurts...maybe its the fact that im lying to myself.

hmmm

2005-02-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

still sick....karma is kickin my ass right now. in the past 2 days i've managed to eat about 10 saltines, a piece of PB toast, 5 grapes and half a kiwi...and i'm not hungry. anyone who knows me, knows that i'm always hungry...not cool karma, not cool.

anyway, light headed again...sleepy...more later

happiness

2005-02-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

....Happiness is to meet the cute guy who gave you the dazzling smile, a second time, and knowing in your heart that a portion of your life is being taken away by the gods in exchange for this chance delight.

....Happiness is a wonderful guy holding and squeezing your hand and gazing at you for comfort and love.

....Happiness was/is Grandma holding my hand and I looking at her sweet face in contentment and love

....Happiness is living.

....Happiness is acheiving something you've dreamed of and gettin to share it with those you love

....Happiness is looking back on ur past and being content with what u see

....Happiness is being kissed on the cheek (i love that!)

no fun

2005-02-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

crappage...i am sick. no fun for me. teal says i stressed myself out too much yesterday. which is entirely possible - i was extrememly stressed and sad and worried. i think it might be karma tho... but i'm dizzy..and i kinda feel like vomiting again (tear)

i give up

2005-02-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

today, not a good day...so i'm announcing my 'giving up' of many things.

** i give up thinking i'm ever going to be happy with wayne again.
** i give up my dream that our love was real and this is just a hiccup...hearing the phrase "she loves him" has quite possibly destroyed a part of me that i will never get back
** i give up the silly idea that i am ment to be truely happy. if this were true, there would at least be a sign of it somewhere. but things just keep going wrong, and getting worse and worse

** i give up the thought that i will have close relationsips that i dont push away. i like josh, i do...and that scares me so bad. starting to liking someone just means that i have to try again...which i have learned only leads to someone getting hurt, or me not being good enough. i'd rather push him away now then actually start to have real feelings for him just so he can deam me unworthy. i've already failed to make one person happy, and i'm in no hurry to do it again.
i've been thinking about the whole josh/nate thing today...and i've made an interesting observation. i wonder if this whole thing with nate, is just me avoiding nething i feel for josh. idk...like, my attempt at pushing him away sooner rather then later.i mean, for awhile now the whole josh thing has been at the back of my mind. we get along really well when we're together...but i honestly feel myself pull away when i notice that i feel close to him. on the other hand, i dont really pull away from nate. but i'm gonna make myself. i care too much for josh as a friend and i refuse to hurt him more then i have. :S idk what i'm doing...but i better figure it out cause hurting him is killing me

of course this sounds dramatic, irrational, "too emotional" (which i recently was told i am) but ya know something....i feel things. and im careful of making the same mistakes i made in the past. i'd rather make someone else be happy -- people respond
to that.

okay, so i just read over all that...i sound depressed. i'm not..i'm just, frustrated right now. (dont worry friends, i'll recover)

smile like you mean it

2005-02-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

do you ever wonder how many people only seem happy, but have actually learned how to fake it really well? i dont know why i'm thinking about that...i am horrible at it. apparently i read like a book - everyone seems to know if something is wrong. i'm not sure i'm comfortable with that..i'd like to have my secrets ya know? :) (sidenote: i really am fine right now...not writing this is in a sadened state or anything)
i was talkin to lacey the other day, and we both agreed that we would love to be someone else for just one day. i mean, we'd still be ourselves - but in someone elses body. so we could just watch ourselves and see ourselves thru someone elses eyes.

i'm beginning to worry that if i dont write about him (or some other random boy thing i may have going on) that i wont have nething to say. thats a scary thought. i hope there's more to me then that :) i would like to think that every now and then i have something interesting to say.

BIG game today at 2:00...against lake region. we've lost to them twice, but if we can beat them by more then 15 today, then we force a coin toss to see who hosts the regional tournament. we have the potential to beat them, it just depends on whether or not we use it. if we cant beat them tonight, we need to at least play with them, make it a good game, so that we can prove (to ourselves mostly) that we can beat them when it really counts. wish us luck! :) i'll tell ya'll how it goes later tonight

Quote for the Day ~"See into life don't just look at it."~

[added on around 6:45]

hmm...well, we lost. good game (at times) but i, however...sucked. dont really feel like talking about it.

BUT my family came! woo hoo for that. gosh i LOVE my family, we're so close! my daddy, in all his 'i'm so skinny in all my 13 lbs lighter since Nov." glory, is possibly the best man in the whole world. and my mom is equally as wondermous. plus my little sister JoDee, and my grents...aw, good times.

itw as weird when they dropped me off at my dorm (we went out to eat). it felt like i would see them again in a few minutes. but then i got to the dorm and i was just sitting here, and all of a sudden i was like 'oh my gosh! i'm not gonna see them for like, 2-3 weeks! sad!" oh well, it was awesomastic to see them :)

something of interest

2005-02-19T03:40:00.000-08:00

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal

--not mine, i found it while aimlessly wondering the web while i couldnt sleep--

~my daily dose of inspiration~

2005-02-19T03:13:00.000-08:00

Strong feelings do not necessarily make a strong character. The strength of a man is to be measured by the power of the feelings he subdues not by the power of those which subdue him.

-- William Carleton

"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give."

This is the state in which you are doing whatever you are doing with a total wholeheartedness, without thinking of anything else, without any hesitation, without any criticism or doubt or inhibition of any kind whatsoever. It is a pure and perfect and total spontaneous acting without any blocks of any kind.

Follow your bliss.

You yourself are your own barrier - rise from within it

Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle.

We are like newborn children, our power is the power to grow.

Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your own destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?

Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Hawaiian Night Rocks My World

2005-02-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

we won our game last night :) woohoo for us...miles city was up by 2 at halftime, but we played really well the second half and went on a few big runs. SO proud of the girls! unfortunately the boys lost. that sucks...but they'll recover i'm sure.

then came the dance...soo fun. probably one of the top 3 times i've had since i've been here :) we drank a little (sorry mom) then went to the dance...unlike my extrememly talented beer bonging friends, i passed on the bong. but i had a great time anyway. i love u girls, too much fun :)

however...i believe i've put myself into a bit of a bad situation. so i'm starting to feel myself letting go of wayne...realizing its just not gonna happen. and theres this SUPER nice guy here that we hang out with alot (i've never hung out with him by myself or anything) and awhile ago he said he 'kinda liked me' but we talked about it and i said he was real nice and i kinda like him, but i just wasnt ready for a relationship or anything.
sounds okay right...but then we start hangin out with his friends more and more...and one of his friends is a real nice guy too (i think we can see where this is going) BUT i refuse REFUSE refuse to let myself have feelings for this josh's friend cause i, of all people, know better then that.
but, last night, in my somewhat intoxicated state, i took it upon myself to be a tad flirty with the friend. damn me. i know.
my friends here are of the opinion that i am doing nothing wrong by liking him.
"Its not like u and josh were going out - or even seeing eachother"
"You cant control your feelings...you like who you like...this is not
like what happened to you"
I disagree...i feel like such a bad person for having feelings (and i use the term losely...its not like i'm in love or even close with either of these guys) for both of them. its SO not fair to either of them. it seems the only solution is to remain platonic with each of them...

The Notebook

2005-02-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

wow, what a great movie...for girls anyway. idk how into it a guy would be, and let me just warn that it is not a movie for neone tending to a broken heart. but it was so good! :) us girls watched it last night...one of those movies that u catch urself smiling during.

lets see, what else is new. we got our first papers back in comp II today. i got an A-, which idk..seems kinda bogus cause it really wasnt a good paper in my opinion.

tonight we have our second to last home game of the season. we play miles city. when we went to miles city earlier this year, there was that huge fight during the guys game. and some of the girls on our team got into it with the girls team (verbally of course) so tonight should be interesting. its hawiian night also...big dance afterwards. should be a good time :)

i'll update later

and so it goes...

2005-02-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

i got this in an email from a great friend of mine...and it hurt so bad to read it. but its what i need to hear...and its probably what i need to keep hearing over and over til i GET it thru my head

thanks louis

I'm going to keep saying this... what once was, is no longer. Realize that if he truly loved you, he'd be with you now; he's not with you, he doesn't love you. No matter how much love you show him, all of the love you want back, is going towards someone else.

detox update #1

2005-02-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

so hopefully there arent TOO many detox updates...i do have a life outside of my little detox project.

but real quick like here...so, i think he's more then likely got the letter now. havent heard from him. idk how i feel. cept that i feel like i'm only pretending i want to get over him and let go. i know its what seems necissary...

in other news (see i told u i have a life) last night was a GOOD night :) laura, one of my suite mates, is in a 'prevention and care' class for athletic training...and she had to practice her taping on us. so haylee, teal, and myself got all taped up! ankles, shins, elbows, fingers, heels, wrists...it was sweet. and then of course we had to take like 20 pictures. -we couldnt let an oppurtunity for that kinda of photo shoot pass us by!- then we all went to 'midnight bowling'. which was another good time...we met some of the guys there. and we're all just dorks, so its pretty hard not to have fun :) we have a good group going. i hope they stick around for awhile :)

also, for lent, teal haylee and i gave up sweets. (strength in numbers) and i'll admit we all cheat a little *hope made dirt cake! what was i supposed to do?* However, teal? she sucks. bad. she eats sweets AT LEAST once a day. and now its gotten to the point where shes tryin to hide it from me. so yesterday, she comes up to my room and like, dives onto my bed (top bunk) and like, totally face plants it right into my sheets (like i made my bed, yeah right) so we all laugh about it. funny times...until about 15 minutes later when tate climbs up there (teal got down) and goes "ew jamie whats all over ur sheets? someone ate chocolate in bed" and i was like, "what? i dont even hardly eat chocolate..." and teal raises her hand all happy and is like "I ate chocolate in ur bed!" i go check out the damage...its gross. big old spot of it right in the middle of my sheets, like where my chest would be when i sleep. then theres a little fingerprint up by my pillow, and a big smear ON my pillow case *gasp* i'm like "TEAL! how much chocolate was in ur mouth??" her reply? "two turtles" TWO of em! "i was tryin to hide em from u" TWO of em! so now i have gross chocolate turtle crap all over my bed. ew.

she owes me laundry ;)

bounce back

2005-02-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

today i feel much better...but i'm really dissapointed that i let something so superfical get to me yesterday. its just a day...(a day devoted to love and passion) but still, just a day. i enjoy it (usually) because i truelly love the idea of that passion, true commitment, light-headed thing that i believe love to be. and i was just crabby yesterday cause i feel like i wasted what i had.

but today im happy again (somewhat embarassed) but happy :) its snowing...no fun, but it is winter in ND so what else do i expect?

we have only 3 games left in our regular season...crazy that i've almost made through a whole college basketball season. not done yet tho, still got a few games to win :)

and since in my crabby state i forgot yesterday -- HAPPY VALENTINES DAY :)

it is certainly not a happy valentines day

2005-02-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

so, i knew it would be...but today was a total bust :( thumbs down to today.

i really need to get over this whole romantic thing out of my system. i have valentines day so built up that if i'm single, its gonna suck.

its not even being single that sucked today as much as it was knowing that i miss him so much. crappage

oh well, its over in about 35 minutes :) and then i can resume detox.

sidenote: man i was crabby today..i totally apologize to all my friends, please still love me u guys! :)

my seduction style

2005-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

idk about this whole seduction thing...i'm not much for seduction. im way too dorky