be the one worth fighting for...

alright, so its been a few days since i wrote anything cause i've been computerless at the state class B boys basketball tourny since thursday. good time, but more on that later

once again, i'm not able to sleep at night. (however, whenever my friends and i attempt to watch a movie, i'm gone...just cant sleep when i want to)

so, i once again find myself up til all hours of the night thinking. im beginning to believe that i should be medicated for my problem with 'overthinking'....its bad.

i'm sure all of u are wondering what has been occupying my mind...i guess its not really anything specific. it has come to my attention, thru discussions i've had recently and all my time spent thinking, that i'm really terrified that i'm not worth the effort.

(i feel the need to make an insertion here...i am so not depressed. really.)

okay, but i'm pretty sure this all comes from my hopelessly romantic heart. its a bit of a curse. okay, but i just have this horrible feeling that i'm really replaceable. in a 'oh well its over, i'm fine' sort of way. its proven true in the past...i mean, i know some people just arent ment to be, and so therefor obviously move on. but i just want love that is worth sacrificing for, the kind of love where u look at someone and say "my life is not complete w/o you, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you" (of course, to a healthy point..i mean, 'whatever it takes' in sane nonfreakish way)just, the type of feeling where you cant just give up on it.

to illistrate what i mean, here's one of my absolute favorite quotes...

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
--Erica Jong

trust me, i am fully aware of how dangerous my romanticism is becoming. real life very well may not ever fulfill my romantic dreams. but i look at my parents, and i mean, its not like some cheesy romance novel or fairytail - but they are so in love, so perfect for eachother. the kind of couple that u just know was ment for eachother because you could never picture them with anyone else.

and so far, it seems that maybe i'm lacking the qualities that attract love worth fighting for, risking everything for. i do however, possess a firm grasp on the qualities that allow for a lack of trust in me and also allow for it to be ridiculously easy to get over me. :) ouch huh? i guess in a way its almost exciting knowin that someday i will find that. but right now, its just really annoying that the person i feel that way about, isnt feeling it.

that leads me to a question....do you get over past love when u meet ur next love? or do you have to be over past love before new love can begin?

(okay, and so this week while i was home...someone, who will remain nameless, told me that i am Daria. do u remember daria on mtv? am i daria???)