what is happening?

so...i'm gettin as tired as u are of listening to my whining about how trageic my life is. but i have one more in me, so either bare with me or quit reading now...

all of my life i've been taught to tell the truth. dont lie. lying only leads to people getting hurt. BE HONEST

and trust me, i thought a lot recently about whether that was good advice or not. and i went with honesty..be honest, its my best bet.

and where, u may ask, has all my good-intentioned honesty gotten me? well, i've lost the best guy friend i have here. and probably the second one too, seeing as my hanging out or talking to him his only causing friend 1 pain. this sounds selfish, but its not the losing them part that sucks...its the fact that i've hurt josh, immensely. and i cant fix it...

so, i dont get it. i thought lying was the part that hurts...maybe its the fact that im lying to myself.