i give up

today, not a good day...so i'm announcing my 'giving up' of many things.

** i give up thinking i'm ever going to be happy with wayne again.
** i give up my dream that our love was real and this is just a hiccup...hearing the phrase "she loves him" has quite possibly destroyed a part of me that i will never get back
** i give up the silly idea that i am ment to be truely happy. if this were true, there would at least be a sign of it somewhere. but things just keep going wrong, and getting worse and worse

** i give up the thought that i will have close relationsips that i dont push away. i like josh, i do...and that scares me so bad. starting to liking someone just means that i have to try again...which i have learned only leads to someone getting hurt, or me not being good enough. i'd rather push him away now then actually start to have real feelings for him just so he can deam me unworthy. i've already failed to make one person happy, and i'm in no hurry to do it again.
i've been thinking about the whole josh/nate thing today...and i've made an interesting observation. i wonder if this whole thing with nate, is just me avoiding nething i feel for josh. idk...like, my attempt at pushing him away sooner rather then later.i mean, for awhile now the whole josh thing has been at the back of my mind. we get along really well when we're together...but i honestly feel myself pull away when i notice that i feel close to him. on the other hand, i dont really pull away from nate. but i'm gonna make myself. i care too much for josh as a friend and i refuse to hurt him more then i have. :S idk what i'm doing...but i better figure it out cause hurting him is killing me


of course this sounds dramatic, irrational, "too emotional" (which i recently was told i am) but ya know something....i feel things. and im careful of making the same mistakes i made in the past. i'd rather make someone else be happy -- people respond
to that.

okay, so i just read over all that...i sound depressed. i'm not..i'm just, frustrated right now. (dont worry friends, i'll recover)