Dear Wayne

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you

~One Year, Six Months (yellowcard)

Dear Wayne~
Above are some lyrics that never fail to make me think about you. Who am i kidding? You're always on my mind...in my thoughts, prayers, and heart.
I wish I could be strong like you. Just move on without looking back, leaving the past to the past. Teach me how to do it, show me how to not care anymore.
I do my best not to think about the two of you together...but how can I not? I think sometimes that I should focus on the good times we had. All the passion and happiness I felt when I was around you. How proud it made me to watch you just going through day to day things. How even when I hated what you had said or done, I still couldnt help but love you. I miss watching you around my sisters and cousins, watching you coach those little kids this summer, watching you watch me.
I remember all the times you were there when I needed someone, even when it was over something trivial. Walking with me as I cried over my rejection from the choir. Sitting with me after important losses. When I had argued with my parents, was stressed about who knows what...you were so supportive; even if was in your own way sometimes :) How could I not miss you?
Sometimes thinking of all the happiness and support you gave me makes me feel worse though; it often times only serves to remind me of how I let you down, how I failed to support you and make sure you knew I loved you and would be there for you. I wish there was some way that I could make it up to you but I know that's not possible. Things are different now, your feelings are different. Being that replaceable shows that I really wasnt a good girlfriend too you. And maybe, I dont deserve a second chance. I can only hope that you find someone who deserves you, and that I learn from my past so that my next love (if there is one) will feel love the way you made me feel.
While I am sorry for letting you down, I'm so angry at you and Gentina. "Jamie, I promise all I'm trying to do is help you guys get back together. I wanna help." Her words resound in my head and make me sick to my stomach. And as her words pound they are quickly followed by the memory of her actions. And of you telling me that you were with her; that you had kissed her on taht bed...that all of my other 'friends' knew and had choosen to let me ignorantly continue to talk of my love for you, that some of them had actually been there to witness it. You asking me to still be your friend, to support your decision. And like I've apparently always done, I couldn't support you.
Angry, scared, hurt, heartbroken, lost, defeated, embarrassed...all things I felt when I realized I'd really lost you for good. I remember being really embarrassed; who was I to think love was real? That somehow I would find true love on the first shot and never lose it. How naive.
I don't know what to think...good thoughts hurt and make me miss you that much more. Bad thoughts hurt even worse. I feel so conflicted - should I fight for you, for the love I know we shared? Or should I accept that love is sometimes an illusion and give up on having it with you again. Do I even need to figure this out now or can I just let life happen and see where it takes us?
What I really want for you is HAPPINESS. It may take me awhile to accept the fact that I couldn't make you happy. But maybe thats not all my fault. Still, I wish you happiness. I'll always be here if you ever need me.
Maybe we just raelly weren't met to be. You'll find someone who makes you feel the way you want...and I'll find someone whom I can make laugh, make happy, make complete. We'll be okay (alright, you're already okay...I'll be okay too though) :)
Replaceable but loving always,
Curby