tho i swear that i am true he still picks my friends over me
so...i've really confused myself on this one. i know i still love him
i'm tryin really hard to deal with the fact that he is with her. it just doesnt seem real. the thing is, it is... and thats the thing about life. sometimes it just really hurts, alot.
my suite mates and i watched Garden State last night...i LOVED it. it was so good, just the kind of movie i love. kinda odd, quirky, romantic. good stuff
so anyway, my heart is a mess and i dont know how to fix it. maybe if i just leave it, it will fix itself...that doesnt seem likely does it? unfortunately i'm beginning to think that there is no solution to this problem - that i'll always feel hurt, betrayed. i pray about it alot...it helps, but it doesnt really take away the pain. i need to find something to take the pain away...i think thats why i'm so attracted to derrick.
okay no thats not fair. i do really like derrick...he's so nice, honest, funny. and he's so for real. he just does him, no bullshit. but i have to admit that when i'm with him, he numbs my pain. the jury is still out on whether that is good or bad. maybe he numbs my pain because there's really chemistry there. or maybe he numbs it because it just takes my mind of wayne.
i have a lot of crap to figure out huh
posted by jamie @ 10:42 PM
1 Comments:
Better to feel something than nothing at all. I say that from experience. After my first emotional breakup ("Memory" under "Important Posts"), I went totally numb. I chose to block out all of my emotions. Today, I choose to accept them, to an extent.
Something about it hurts less the next day, and a little less the day after that, until one day, there's no pain left. I don't remember the quote exactly. But it's the only hope I can offer at the moment.
While she's still in my head after 4 years, I can still smile.
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