edit

i was reading over my last entry...i just need to clarify that he was in no way below my expectations. i fell below my own personal expectations of myself...
i feel like i've let him down. like he was always there for me, and when he really needed me -- idk, i guess i feel like i turned away at the worst possible moment.

and i think thats a flaw of mine. i turn away when i should be facing and fighting...for example, wayne. (sidenote: god i miss him) anyway - when wayne and i broke up, there was alot of confusion around it. and because i didnt know how he felt, what he wanted, i just kind of waited and took no action. and i lost him.
what i should have done was be confident in how i felt, i knew i still loved and wanted to be with him...i should have told him, convinced him of my sincerity. but i didnt. and now i dont have him at all - we never talk, it seems like hes annoyed with me when we do. ugh.

i keep pushing the people i care about most away, if thats not a flaw - i dont know what is