below my own expectations

its not he that fell below my expectations, its me...ok, so recently an amazing friend of mine revealed his deeper feelings for me. and i was blindsided, i totally didnt see it coming (i'm not a good judge of that sort of stuff, i always miss) anyway, this friend is one of the best friends i've ever had, he's been nothing but good to me; one of the very few people in my life (besides my family) that i trust. and i told him no.
so here i pose the question - what is wrong with me? i mean, i talk and talk and talk about how bad i want to find love, and then someone so dear to me offers it and i say no. i know u cant really control how u feel, but do i not want myself to be happy or what?

in comes my second question....wayne, the ex. i think about thim all the time. (this is part of the reason i said no - my heart is a mess stil.) last night i couldnt sleep and i was thinking about wayne, and i got the idea in my head to write him a letter. is this a horrible awful idea?

oh well, off to practice. i'll sweat everything out of my system