pick myself up, just to fall apart again
first and formost, MERRY CHRISTMAS...i dont care, today is a beautiful day
so, when i began this little blog, i hoped it would usually be rather uplifting -- idk how i'm doin so far, but i'm tryin not to be a big loser. but i'm a mood right now, idk why, but it hit me and i need to get it outta my system before i go to bed or i will never sleep.
so, at the moment i'm feelin really lost. not really sure who i am. i havent really seen anyone since i've been back, which is over a week...i saw louis, and it was wonderful :) but i havnt seen any of my old "friends" - and its a pretty good bet that i wont. now, i've done a damn good job of convincing my family that i was okay with this, that i didnt care. and i was soo close to convincing myself...but dammit i care. i do, i care that i'm not someone they care to see and vice versa.
these are people that, for the most part, i was close to in high school. i tell myself that they changed -- but they all still hang out and talk and get along...and its me that doesnt fit anymore. so this leads me to the conclusion that its me, obviously. theres something about me that they arent drawn to, moreso they are repelled by.
its the same thing that pushed wayne away from me and towards gentina (excuse me while i get sick)
it is this same thing that confuses me about who i am...what value do i have?
i have to go back to school on the 31st for practice...and i'm dreading it. i do not want to go back -- i dont have anything there. i have friends yes, but i'm just not feeling drawn to them right now.
and here is a mess...lucky me wayne just called. and he knows EXACTLY what buttons to push to make me feel like shit about myself...but the killer is, he knows how to push them so that he can say he didnt do anything. DAMMIT i just wanna cry. but i'm so sick of crying...there's nothing there for me, but theres even less for me here.
posted by jamie @ 9:55 PM
2 Comments:
Honestly, I like your blog a lot. I have it bookmarked, and I look forward to each post. I really liked your questions, too.
This post touched me because I can relate. The friends back home...the haunting ex...I feel it also. Even if you feel lost, you're not alone.
I truly hope great things find you.
If this is true that some people are "repelled" by a different you, there are still others that would be "attracted" by it. I believe you've said before that you think things happen for a reason; look at the better results that's coming from the situations: less communication with Wayne, more time with me ;), and great food.
I feel the somewhat same as far as school goes, I have friends there, but none of them are you or my buddies from middle school.
I think you need to stop talking to Wayne, it would help you so much, make you feel a lot better about yourself.
I'm going to miss the time we spent together this break; I hope to hear from you more as our distance grows.
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