so...alright so i say i want 'change' - but sometimes i dont even know what i mean by that. a lot has changed in the 4 months since i went to college.
**i dont live with my parents/family ne more. in fact i live some 300 miles away
**i play on a totally different basketball team
**wayne and i broke up after 3 1/2 years. then he hooked up with gentina (exbest friend) so...
**i dont have the same friends
i have a different home, a different team, i'm single, new friends, new hair...i'm sensing a lot of change. but i'm just not satisfied. its like i'm searching for something and i dont know what. so frustrating... do other people feel like this? or am i just being a spaz?
when it comes to this whole relationship thing - i know what i want. i want that wild, passionate, cant-live-without-eachother love. people tell me all the time, "oh you're so young! experiment, live your life, look around, have fun" screw off. if u know me at all, u know thats not what i want. i dont want a series of meaningless one night stands; i dont want to waste years of my life 'playing the field'. i want love, passion, commitment. not in a scary, like stalker-obsessive way. im just fascinated by the emotions that bind two people together. the emotion that makes someone look at another and think 'i want to spend my life getting to know that person and share myself with them'. i was in the car with my friend the other day, and she had garth brooks in the cd player. and that song 'standing outside the fire' was playing. so this part comes on...
"you call them weak
those who are unable to resist
the slightest chance love might exist
and for that forsake it all"
and my friend goes 'oh my gosh jamie! thats you!' sad but true. sometimes i worry that i'm in love with the idea of being in love. that could possibly be bad...
and on that note - i may (or may not have) met someone. i dont wanna rush into anything. right now i'm just enjoying that feeling i get when i first meet someone of interest. that chemical reaction that makes me feel better about who i am and what i have to offer. the tingles all over, and just feeling warm in the presence of that person. wanting to know that person - to make them laugh. i havent felt this way in awhile. its a little scary
posted by jamie @ 6:42 PM
2 Comments:
And just when you think you've found it, you know you have to keep going. The thought of it being over...it's like the whole thing about your favorite food/drink or whatever. The anticipation is sometimes better than the actual event. So I guess that would mean that the search is better than actually finding 'it.'
Yea, that initial feeling of meeting someone new...it is something. Best wishes for you, and happy holidays!
James, I agree with you on so many levels. It hurts just thinking about what I want, what I need, and yet what I don't have; or if I ever will have it.
I wish you the best with this person.
Let's get together again soon... choir on Monday?
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