"Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth."

Aesop.

I have a great friend here...and i'm not going to go into detail, but my friend was wronged. I'm not one of those people who get all crazy about revenge or punishment or the like, but my friend deserved better (hun, u deserve better)... and karma is coming for the individual of poor inner worth that hurt her.

it takes a lot for me to actually get real mad. i'm pretty emotional, but easy going (if that makes sense). but i am so mad at what happened. (we're not talking some high school "oh he cheated on me" type of thing...this isnt some adolescent wronging) and while i dont believe in physical violence, i dont think i'm going to have any trouble telling this person exactly what i think of him.

reassuring

so i'm a pretty religous person, but its a personal thing for me. i try not to be all "GO TO GOD"...however, if a friend of mine needs guidance or consoling, i dont hesitate to mention prayer or God. Anyway, last night was a bit rough on the emotional slate, and i spent much of the night in prayer. today as i was walking back to my dorm inbetween classes, i heard the church bell going off in a nearby church. i cant remember the last time i heard a church bell. and it was just the most calming thing...i actually stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and just listened. it reminded me that i'm not alone

twisted

on one hand
i miss wayne with pretty much every fiber of my being. i miss just sittin with him in complete silence, miss watchin tv with him and the way he used to put his head on my stomach...i miss watchin him sleep, waking up and seeing that he was watching me sleep, falling asleep next to him, coming over to wake him up in the morning...

on the other hand
he does not miss me, he's made it clear he's over it. so how many great guys am i gonna turn down while i'm tryin to let go. how many guys can i look at and think to myself "yeah, he's great...but he's not wayne". i've made it so that not being wayne is a flaw in guys... i dont even know if i'm really tryin to let go, part of me is still holding on. a heart divided wont get anything accomplished. what to do...what to do...

the flying tomato

we won our game last night, woo hoo for us; by about 13 points i believe. it was a good game, we played really well (still a few too many turnovers, but we're workin on it)
during the guys game (which was extremely close) Miles Citys fans were just assholes...with like a minute or so left in the game a fight broke out. we're talkin like, hockey fight here. some of the fans were out on the floor and both benches cleared. it was nuts, i've never ever seen nething like it. and i hate hate hate fights...they scare me. idk, i think i'm just to meak. i get all nervous and kinda sick to my stomach when i see fights. so that wasnt a lot of fun for me. the important thing is that our guys won the game. mental toughness there, cause those fans were intense. they got in one guys head really bad tho...he was a mess the whole game.

oh, as for the name of this blog...i've been watching the winter x games on tv all day. and i've fallen in love with shaun white. oh man (sidenote: the flying tomato is one of his nicknames)

My Sr. Pic 

schedule of games

Tonight we play Miles City at 7:00 p.m....and heres a look at the rest of the season

January 31 Dawson Community College HOME 6:00 p.m.
February 4 ND State College of Science Wahpeton, ND 6:00 p.m.
February 9 MSU-Bottineau HOME 6:00 p.m.
February 13 United Tribes Technical College HOME 2:00 p.m.
February 17 Miles Community College HOME 6:00 p.m
February 20 Lake Region State College HOME 2:00 p.m.
March 1 Dawson Community College Glendive, MT 7:00 p.m.

if you wanna listen, our website is http://www.wsc.nodak.edu/athletics/
just click on womens basketball and then listen live :) enjoy

me vs. the mold

round 1, rounds 2+ not needed: so, that before mentioned mutant mold in our bathroom was just gettin icky beyond words, and i simply couldnt take it anymore...so tuesday night, the battle was on.
at teals suggestion, i armed myself with a spray bottle of water+bleach...the very first spray reflected off the wall directly back into my eye (which resounded with "OMG the mold is fighting back! my eye! there's bleach IN MY EYE!!") scary moment. but i eventually won..okay i dominated. the mold was no match for me, none
but please, no pictures, no autographs..i was happy to do it :)

notice

so these are just some ramdon things i noticed today...

> when i walk, my legs kinda turn inward
> the old, spit out gum outside of walmart is starting to form its own intricate pattern (ew)
> the only color on any of the walls in any of my classrooms is located directly above the door - which only draws my focus to leaving even more
> there is a super cute guy in my Comp. class (and yes, i sat by him today)
> i think a new form of mold has begun to take over the bathroom in our suite...seriously, it has its own life force (double ew)

radio star

we have a big big game tomorrow against lake region, they're the team to beat in our conference. if you're board around 6 take a listen...all our games are on the radio

http://www.wsc.nodak.edu/tetonslive.asp

wish us luck! :)

These are a few....

I'm tired of writing blogs about my emotions...i need a little break. and so i give you a random list of things about me. (it'll probably get updated from time to time)

* my favorite color is orange
* i'm scared of moths
* i HATE beer, ew...and i know i'm gettin drunk when my feet start to tingle
* i read cosmo almost religiously, and i'm ashamed of my addiction to it
* when i eat oranges, i only suck all the juice out of em (unless i peal ALL the weird white stuff and stringy skin off of it)
* the OC is my 'teen scene' of choice
* i dont drink pop
* i have the HUGEST passion for double quarter pounders with cheese from mcdonalds...its insane
* i wear "amber romance' body splash from victorias secret (if you've never smelled me, or this fragrance, please look into it)
* i love thrift store t-shirts
* my favorite powerade is the white kind :) yum
* my FAV tv show is Law & Order, specifically SVU (everyone i know disagrees)
* i have a birthmark right below my left boob...thats where it is, what can i say
* i'm a fan of 80's music and movies (I Love The 80's, anyone?)
* i collect old record albums, they're hangin on the wall in my dorm
* i no longer believe in the concept of a 'best friend'...just find people u care about and want to make happy (and vice versa) you may need different friends for different life happenings
* my middle name is Grace
* i talk alot in movie quotes...it drives my friends nuts (but my little sister and i could go on for hours, no joke)
* i sleep on the top bunk in our dorm :)
* the first movie i ever cried at was All Dogs Go to Heaven (dont laugh, it was sad)
* i'm a quote collector...i have a book i write them down in, and a box i keep a bunch of them in..when i'm bored i look them up on the internet :)
* i wear a size 7 1/2 shoe
* i like ramen noodles w/o the broth
* jello tastes better cut into shapes
* i have drk brown eyes
* i think the swing is the all time best playground toy ever invented
* my fav. color to wear is green
* i'm right handed
* i'm a really emotional/passionate person
* i chew my nails, ew i know sorry
* i'm a cryer...
* i'm a point guard (5'4)
* i want to be a social worker...or a counselor
* i know what its like to have ur heart broken
* my legs turn a tad bit inward when i walk...its cute, or something
* i love love love being barefoot in the summer
* im a text message addict...its pricey

okay, i think thats a good start...

Dear Gentina

You've got your new ties
I've got my old knots
You've got your inside line
But you're never happy with what you've got

You've got them all convinced
But I know so well
That you could list your friends
But you can't count on them

It's not the price
That's gonna cost you
It's just the weight
That's gonna bring you down

~ So Beautiful (Dashboard Confessional)

Dear Gentina-
Well, those lyrics sum up how I feel about you. I am over you and whatever feeble ties of 'friendship' I thought we shared. I don't hate you. I feel nothing towards you.
I honestly hope that you and Wayne are happy together. Don't hurt him. Be everything to him that I wasn't...and don't let him and your best friend get too close. Just please make him happy.
Forgetting You,
Nib

PS- I'm retiring that rediculous nickname you gave me too

Dear Wayne

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you

~One Year, Six Months (yellowcard)

Dear Wayne~
Above are some lyrics that never fail to make me think about you. Who am i kidding? You're always on my mind...in my thoughts, prayers, and heart.
I wish I could be strong like you. Just move on without looking back, leaving the past to the past. Teach me how to do it, show me how to not care anymore.
I do my best not to think about the two of you together...but how can I not? I think sometimes that I should focus on the good times we had. All the passion and happiness I felt when I was around you. How proud it made me to watch you just going through day to day things. How even when I hated what you had said or done, I still couldnt help but love you. I miss watching you around my sisters and cousins, watching you coach those little kids this summer, watching you watch me.
I remember all the times you were there when I needed someone, even when it was over something trivial. Walking with me as I cried over my rejection from the choir. Sitting with me after important losses. When I had argued with my parents, was stressed about who knows what...you were so supportive; even if was in your own way sometimes :) How could I not miss you?
Sometimes thinking of all the happiness and support you gave me makes me feel worse though; it often times only serves to remind me of how I let you down, how I failed to support you and make sure you knew I loved you and would be there for you. I wish there was some way that I could make it up to you but I know that's not possible. Things are different now, your feelings are different. Being that replaceable shows that I really wasnt a good girlfriend too you. And maybe, I dont deserve a second chance. I can only hope that you find someone who deserves you, and that I learn from my past so that my next love (if there is one) will feel love the way you made me feel.
While I am sorry for letting you down, I'm so angry at you and Gentina. "Jamie, I promise all I'm trying to do is help you guys get back together. I wanna help." Her words resound in my head and make me sick to my stomach. And as her words pound they are quickly followed by the memory of her actions. And of you telling me that you were with her; that you had kissed her on taht bed...that all of my other 'friends' knew and had choosen to let me ignorantly continue to talk of my love for you, that some of them had actually been there to witness it. You asking me to still be your friend, to support your decision. And like I've apparently always done, I couldn't support you.
Angry, scared, hurt, heartbroken, lost, defeated, embarrassed...all things I felt when I realized I'd really lost you for good. I remember being really embarrassed; who was I to think love was real? That somehow I would find true love on the first shot and never lose it. How naive.
I don't know what to think...good thoughts hurt and make me miss you that much more. Bad thoughts hurt even worse. I feel so conflicted - should I fight for you, for the love I know we shared? Or should I accept that love is sometimes an illusion and give up on having it with you again. Do I even need to figure this out now or can I just let life happen and see where it takes us?
What I really want for you is HAPPINESS. It may take me awhile to accept the fact that I couldn't make you happy. But maybe thats not all my fault. Still, I wish you happiness. I'll always be here if you ever need me.
Maybe we just raelly weren't met to be. You'll find someone who makes you feel the way you want...and I'll find someone whom I can make laugh, make happy, make complete. We'll be okay (alright, you're already okay...I'll be okay too though) :)
Replaceable but loving always,
Curby

wtf

alright, so the other night my friend teal and i went out with josh, nate, and kory. we're just driving around when they mention snowman hunting....basically the crush snowmen. (TOTALLY SAD! i was ashamed to be in the getaway car, driven by my friend teal) anyway, long story short, some lady called the cops on them and we got pulled over. they had to go apologize to the lady at like 12:15 on a tuesday night. the funny part was what nate said about it afterwards...

"come on! we live in like, the meth capitol of the country...and we get pulled over for breaking snowmen?"

Sidenote: i really do feel super bad about the snowman thing..i fully remember what it was like to be a little kid (and trust me, i was tiny..tiny and weak) and try to roll those big snowballs. so i want to apologize to ne little kid that was missin a snowman when they woke up

PS- the next two letter posts? sorry about them, just had to get some stuff off my mind and i thought that might help

take off your pants and jacket

we had a game last night in bottinaeu...bout a 3 hour drive each way. which isnt so bad really, except when the temp. inside of said bus is approx. 95 degrees. oh man, it was so ricockulously hot in that bus...and the best part, is that it was right around -15 degrees outside so we all had like, our travel sweatpants and sweatsirts on. it got to the point where i was seriously considering stripping down to my sports bra and the cotton shorts i had under my sweats. i mean picture this -- 95 degrees, confined space, about 35 people (half of which are big huge male basketball players) -- it wasnt pretty, i'll leave it at that.

in other news, not much happening in my life right now. basketball started again, now classes have started again. i'm just excited to get thru this semester so i can figure out what i want to do next year. i've noticed that whenever people ask me 'whats up' or 'whats new' my typical answer falls into the category of 'not much'. i'm growing annoyed with this because it makes me feel so boring. maybe i'll just start makin stuff up :)

sidenote: i was reading Cosmo the other day (it was an older one tho, like, a few months ago) anyway, it mentioned that journal keeping is tired...and that BLOG keeping is trendy. i think that may be the first trendy thing i've ever done...the jury's still out on how i feel about that

No way! Alberta Clipper's coming here?!

Alberta Clipper: an area of low pressure that forms over Alberta, Canada, east of the Rocky Mountains and then moves southeastward into the United States. The main weather features associated with Alberta Clippers are some light snow and a reinforcement of cold air

okay so the big bad alberta clipper is all my friends and i have been hearing about all day, and its all like doom and gloom. so, in all our comedic glory (sarcasim noted) we decided that 'alberta clipper' could be a band...okay so we thought it was funny. maybe u had to be there...

simple things...simple things are the key to happiness. and what simple thing is it that made me happy today? simple - rice krispy bars. R.K.B in all their perfect glory from Sodexho, our own little dining center :) i'm tellin ya, they're amazing. krispy yet gooey...gooey yet krispy. wow, orgasmic even.

edit

i was reading over my last entry...i just need to clarify that he was in no way below my expectations. i fell below my own personal expectations of myself...
i feel like i've let him down. like he was always there for me, and when he really needed me -- idk, i guess i feel like i turned away at the worst possible moment.

and i think thats a flaw of mine. i turn away when i should be facing and fighting...for example, wayne. (sidenote: god i miss him) anyway - when wayne and i broke up, there was alot of confusion around it. and because i didnt know how he felt, what he wanted, i just kind of waited and took no action. and i lost him.
what i should have done was be confident in how i felt, i knew i still loved and wanted to be with him...i should have told him, convinced him of my sincerity. but i didnt. and now i dont have him at all - we never talk, it seems like hes annoyed with me when we do. ugh.

i keep pushing the people i care about most away, if thats not a flaw - i dont know what is

below my own expectations

its not he that fell below my expectations, its me...ok, so recently an amazing friend of mine revealed his deeper feelings for me. and i was blindsided, i totally didnt see it coming (i'm not a good judge of that sort of stuff, i always miss) anyway, this friend is one of the best friends i've ever had, he's been nothing but good to me; one of the very few people in my life (besides my family) that i trust. and i told him no.
so here i pose the question - what is wrong with me? i mean, i talk and talk and talk about how bad i want to find love, and then someone so dear to me offers it and i say no. i know u cant really control how u feel, but do i not want myself to be happy or what?

in comes my second question....wayne, the ex. i think about thim all the time. (this is part of the reason i said no - my heart is a mess stil.) last night i couldnt sleep and i was thinking about wayne, and i got the idea in my head to write him a letter. is this a horrible awful idea?

oh well, off to practice. i'll sweat everything out of my system

tough guy...er, girl

we had practice today, first time all weekend. we won our game on thursday so we got friday and saturday off. good grief was i bored...absolutely nothing goin on around here.
today, a couple of my friends and i decided we should go sledding. we got all bundled up and got the hill, and realized we didnt have sleds...okay we're not as dumb as that sounds...we thought we had sleds but it turned out we didnt. so laura and i stomped out 'tetons' in the snow on the side of the hill and made snow angels then we came back for practice.
practice was super easy...okay not super, but compared to the two-a-days it was cake. also, i got scratched in the eye...well, technically right below the eye. so now i guess i look tough. its actually like one big scratch, with a baby scratch on either side. coolness.

cross one off

i have this personal list of things i want to do before i die (okay okay so i stole the idea from the movie A Walk To Remember, sue me) anyway...today i sorta get to mark one off. (i'm not gonna share the whole list, sorry) NEway, so one of the items was to say something 'quoteable'...anyone who knows me well knows i have a minor obsession w/ quotes. i bought a book and write good ones in it, and i have a quote box too, that i keep em all in. wierd i know. but i did it...of course its pretty hard to say something thats NEVER been said before these days, but i at least said something quoteable. woo hoo. i was talkin to a friend of mine (of the female persuasion) about boy trouble that has linked us. and i said somethign to her, and today it was her screen name and she said "hey i used what u said as my name, and i wanted to make sure it was okay" (see that right there, the asking for permission, is what i decided makes it quoteable) :)

so here it is...drum role please...."sometimes the only way to learn who you really are, is to figure out what you dont want to be"

its pathetic, but i'm proud of this :) cross one off!

living in your letters

okay, so i'm a fan of the music i listen to because in most cases it makes me feel something...well right now i'm full of all the emotion i need. so now my music just helps me understand my feelings and makes me think that other people understand.

So I’ll hit the pavement
It’s gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
Cause I’m scared.
So I’ll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you’re ten.
-Living In Your Letters ~ Dashboard Confessional

tho i swear that i am true he still picks my friends over me

so...i've really confused myself on this one. i know i still love him

i'm tryin really hard to deal with the fact that he is with her. it just doesnt seem real. the thing is, it is... and thats the thing about life. sometimes it just really hurts, alot.

my suite mates and i watched Garden State last night...i LOVED it. it was so good, just the kind of movie i love. kinda odd, quirky, romantic. good stuff

so anyway, my heart is a mess and i dont know how to fix it. maybe if i just leave it, it will fix itself...that doesnt seem likely does it? unfortunately i'm beginning to think that there is no solution to this problem - that i'll always feel hurt, betrayed. i pray about it alot...it helps, but it doesnt really take away the pain. i need to find something to take the pain away...i think thats why i'm so attracted to derrick.

okay no thats not fair. i do really like derrick...he's so nice, honest, funny. and he's so for real. he just does him, no bullshit. but i have to admit that when i'm with him, he numbs my pain. the jury is still out on whether that is good or bad. maybe he numbs my pain because there's really chemistry there. or maybe he numbs it because it just takes my mind of wayne.

i have a lot of crap to figure out huh

and i'm BACK in the game

well, i've been back in williston since friday....yup, that friday - new years eve friday. so new years eve was a bit of a bust. not a whole lot of anything going on around, but its okay cause i can just lay around. wait, i should correct that...i can lay around when i'm NOT sweating my butt off at two-a-day practices. yikesa.

i really wasnt looking forward to coming back...and i'm not all that thrilled about beign here either. but its fun seeing the girls and hangin out with them again. basketball is smokin me right now, but oh well. i miss home and i think part of the reason is because i left unfinished business. crappage. i gotta sort that stuff out somehow.