headin back

Better keep yourself clean and bright: you are the window through which you must see the world

i just like that quote

anyway, i have to go back to school tomorrow at noon. i'm dreading it. i mean, i miss the girls from the team and i miss basketball -- i just dont know if i miss it enough to really want to go back. true, i have no choice. so i'm just gonna suck it up, pack, and finish the year. there will be time to think after that.
oh the other hand, it will be good to get away from the stress that is my life here. to understand this stress i suppose i'll have to summarize the circumstances i find myself in....here goes (bare with me - i feel like paraphrasing)


wayne and i met in 9th grade, went out on/off til about til about oct of this year. gentina and i have been best friends since 9th grade. she was by my side throught my and wayne's whole relationship. when wayne and i broke up, i was a mess. even tho gen lives super far away, i talked to her about it a few times and she said "i'm gonna do everything i can to get u back together" and then wayne went to see her and another group friend in iowa, and they hooked up. and now are 'sorta seeing eachother'. the whole thing breaks my heart and nauseates me beyond explanation.

so there it is....#1 on my stress list...which goes something like this

STRESS LIST
-wayne & gentina
-being away from my family and missing 'family stuff'..big sister stuff, daughter stuff
-basketball
-school

now i dont wanna be all depressing..so to counteract the stress list, i give you the list of things that make me happy...

HAPPY LIST
-my family
-my faith
-my meow; ryanzie (get better babe)....ok the woof too (garnett)
-the hope that someday i will grow in love and have a family of my own

Erma Bombeck

i got this in an email a while ago....its just hittin me now i think


IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was
stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go
get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More
"I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at
it and really see it . live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the
small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each
day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope
you all have a blessed day.

come & go

its strange some people drift in and out of your life...i can think of a few friends that i've experienced this with. it may be delusional; but i think that if, during this whole 'letting go' process i'm working thru right now, if i think that maybe someday some of these people that i onced cherished will find their way back, it will be easier to do.

today i went with my dad to his practice (he coaches the boys team in a class B town hear where we live) ne way, i'm gettin outta shape already - so i ran stairs for 15 minutes, shot around, and then scrimmaged with the c squad team..good times. and in the midst of this, one of my guy friends drifted back in :) havent talked to him in a few months, but started talkin again and it was just like old times. life is odd - beautifuly odd. speakin of people drifting in, derrick would definently be one of those drifters. he should hang around awhile, he makes me happy :) (louie, u have no idea how happy u tend to make me...i always smile when i'm around u)

so i think my point is something like this ** when you're scared to let someone go, or let someone in, remember that as long as you live people are going to come and go...some will make u happy, some sad...but isnt that what life is? a series of events and people and experiences that your string together to define yourself? **

pick myself up, just to fall apart again

first and formost, MERRY CHRISTMAS...i dont care, today is a beautiful day

so, when i began this little blog, i hoped it would usually be rather uplifting -- idk how i'm doin so far, but i'm tryin not to be a big loser. but i'm a mood right now, idk why, but it hit me and i need to get it outta my system before i go to bed or i will never sleep.

so, at the moment i'm feelin really lost. not really sure who i am. i havent really seen anyone since i've been back, which is over a week...i saw louis, and it was wonderful :) but i havnt seen any of my old "friends" - and its a pretty good bet that i wont. now, i've done a damn good job of convincing my family that i was okay with this, that i didnt care. and i was soo close to convincing myself...but dammit i care. i do, i care that i'm not someone they care to see and vice versa.
these are people that, for the most part, i was close to in high school. i tell myself that they changed -- but they all still hang out and talk and get along...and its me that doesnt fit anymore. so this leads me to the conclusion that its me, obviously. theres something about me that they arent drawn to, moreso they are repelled by.
its the same thing that pushed wayne away from me and towards gentina (excuse me while i get sick)
it is this same thing that confuses me about who i am...what value do i have?
i have to go back to school on the 31st for practice...and i'm dreading it. i do not want to go back -- i dont have anything there. i have friends yes, but i'm just not feeling drawn to them right now.
and here is a mess...lucky me wayne just called. and he knows EXACTLY what buttons to push to make me feel like shit about myself...but the killer is, he knows how to push them so that he can say he didnt do anything. DAMMIT i just wanna cry. but i'm so sick of crying...there's nothing there for me, but theres even less for me here.

merry christmas (eve)

i love love love christmas church...it is by far the best time of the year. today was amazing. pastor marty dominated his sermon, the musical offerings were beautiful, the childrens sermon was adorable, and the candles were glorious! yes, good times were had by all.
during pastor marty's message, u could tell that everyone was very intently listening, total silence. and then at the EXACT same moment, two babies in opposite corners of the congregation started crying...it was strange. it broke the moment for like 10 seconds, and then they both stopped (at the EXACT same time). it made me think that babies are for sure privy to something us "grown ups" arent.
oh well, on to presents...the aunts, uncles, cousins, and g-rents are arriving :) i cant wait to see how everyone likes their gifts...i didnt really ask for anything, so i'm not getting my hopes up. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

you're just to good to be true...cant take my eyes off of you

dammit...just when u think your heart has been crushed beyond repair; HE shows up. and he is just, wow. so nice and funny, and NICE and FUNNY. just genuine. and it scares me outta my mind. the way i feel around him is wondermous - happy, safe, real - but new relationship stuff is scary and unknown. plus there's a lot of distance (about 6 hrs) inbetween us. damn geography. so i dont even know if we'll be able to start something. all i know for now is that i truely enjoy his company and i want to make him laugh

we went back to high school today, mrs. berglund's class, to talk about our new 'college lives'. it was a blast! soo much fun to see everyone again and catch up and here stories from everyone's new home/life. strange being in the building tho. it made me feel old. i think i'm more comfortable with myself now then i was in highschool - not that id be hard. confidence wasnt exactly in my corner back in HS. oh well, things change, life changes, people change. i'm realizing that more and more. i'm sad that i might have to let people go. more then sad, i hate it. i need to figure out a way around it. its a problem and all problems have solutions, so i'll figure it out.

all in all tho, today was a super day! i saw old friends, saw derrick, finished the 'art project' gift for the g-rents, and finished my book The Lucky Bones; which, by the way, was amazing! go read it

so...alright so i say i want 'change' - but sometimes i dont even know what i mean by that. a lot has changed in the 4 months since i went to college.
**i dont live with my parents/family ne more. in fact i live some 300 miles away
**i play on a totally different basketball team
**wayne and i broke up after 3 1/2 years. then he hooked up with gentina (exbest friend) so...
**i dont have the same friends
i have a different home, a different team, i'm single, new friends, new hair...i'm sensing a lot of change. but i'm just not satisfied. its like i'm searching for something and i dont know what. so frustrating... do other people feel like this? or am i just being a spaz?

when it comes to this whole relationship thing - i know what i want. i want that wild, passionate, cant-live-without-eachother love. people tell me all the time, "oh you're so young! experiment, live your life, look around, have fun" screw off. if u know me at all, u know thats not what i want. i dont want a series of meaningless one night stands; i dont want to waste years of my life 'playing the field'. i want love, passion, commitment. not in a scary, like stalker-obsessive way. im just fascinated by the emotions that bind two people together. the emotion that makes someone look at another and think 'i want to spend my life getting to know that person and share myself with them'. i was in the car with my friend the other day, and she had garth brooks in the cd player. and that song 'standing outside the fire' was playing. so this part comes on...
"you call them weak
those who are unable to resist
the slightest chance love might exist
and for that forsake it all"
and my friend goes 'oh my gosh jamie! thats you!' sad but true. sometimes i worry that i'm in love with the idea of being in love. that could possibly be bad...
and on that note - i may (or may not have) met someone. i dont wanna rush into anything. right now i'm just enjoying that feeling i get when i first meet someone of interest. that chemical reaction that makes me feel better about who i am and what i have to offer. the tingles all over, and just feeling warm in the presence of that person. wanting to know that person - to make them laugh. i havent felt this way in awhile. its a little scary

autopilot off

so, i've come to the conclusion that a majority of my life has been spent on autopilot; i've just sort of gone thru the motions alot of times. i feel like, idk, like i didnt want to stay inside the lines but i was too scared to go outside the lines, so i just sort of tightroped my thru life. conclusion: i want to DO something. something i'd never dream of doing, something adventurous and spontaneous and crazy. something that, after it happens, people will look at it and say "that was so unlike jamie, she was such a good girl" my latest (but pathetically feeble) attempt at turning of the omnipresent autopilot fell on the shoulders of my hair. i sacrificed it...about 5-6 inches of it. (i was only an inch away from being able to give to locks-4-love) and then i dyed it black. ever so rebellious. dont get my wrong, i love my hair - but it didnt satisfy my desire for change the way i had hoped it would. maybe i'm just destined to coast safely thru life...

made it home

well i made it...i thought i was lost for like, an hour. but i wasnt. the drive to my dads game made me realize that i'm not very 'real-world' independent. it took me two hours to get from minot to new rockford, and i had to call my friend twice and my dad three times. do the math...i called someone every 24 minutes. sad.
but needless to say, i made it. i wont go into detail on the game, but dad's team lost. didnt play awful, didnt play great. had about a hundred turnovers, which killed them. its amazing how attatched i get to my dads teams - it was their first game of the season and i almost wanted to cry when they lost. i'm a dork.
it was fun to drive home with him after the game tho..got some quality talk time in :)
well i'm HOME now, woo hoo. i need to get my haircut super bad, idk when its gonna happen tho. all i know is it better happen...soon.
cant wait to see some of my old friends, good times. (others, not so much) talk about timing...my hair lady just called, got an appt. at 4:15! well, i've rambled enough for now.

home for the holidays

finally! after months of waiting...its christmas time. i cant even explain how much i love christmas :) everything just seems, better. brighter. truer. tomorrow i'll drive to watch my dad's team play, i cant wait. i love watching my dad coach, i'm just so proud of him! he's a wonderful coach, a wonderful dad, a wonderful man. his teams always work their tails off for him...its something special.
then he and i will drive HOME! what a beautiful word :) its going to be wonderful. i'm nervous to see some people, theres no avoiding the fact that its going to be awkward, but oh well. i'm slowly learning that life is full of little bumps and bruises and u just have to work through it.
more later

"when u hear the word 'hypnosis' you will believe you are the one doing the pinching, and that it is the funniest thing you've ever done"

so today there was a hypnotist at this little campus i call home...and it was quite possibly one of the funniest things i have seen since i arrived. i've never seen a hypnotist before, and i'll admit i was a bit of skeptic - but one of the fellows on the guys team was a 'subject' (as the hypnotist called them) and he certinaly didnt strike me as the type that could be hyptnoized...but i'm pretty sure he was. (as were the other, 7 subjects) oh man, it was classic. dancing around with little green space men, cheering for their horse at a track, drinking, petting pet birds. good times had by all :)

sidenote: what is goin on with the old navy caroler commercials? some are mildy cute - but i think i'm starting to get a little creaped out by them. (also, i noticed last night that Honda -i think Honda- has stolen the idea of having carolers sneak into your home and sell to you, in song form, a product...i smell a lawsuit)

fate

Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands
this is almost depressing...but somehow uplifting. to me anyway... fate is something really conflicting to me. its romantic to think that life is a laid out set of occurances that beautifuly weave together to form some intricate lace....but maybe its more realistic to think that we hold our destiny in our own hands, that life is what we make it; taking things that happen to and around us for what they are. its easy to say 'well if its ment to be it will be' or 'things will work themselves out', but what if thats not true. what if we have to MAKE things work out.
i believe in a mix of these...i do believe in fate, but i also think that we have to work with fate; fight for what we want, what we love.
fate only gives us so many chances.

sleepless pondering

10/27/04
what am i doing here
when will i know
is this the life i'm ment to lead
or is it time to go

the reasons for me being here
sometimes make no sense at all
i'm feeling things i cannot say
remaining crippled behind this wall

it seems that i have something to prove
if i fail then this was a waste
it's too late now;i cant go back
the consequence for a decision of haste

JoDee

it just wouldnt be fair of me to leave out baby sister...

Intruding on the arrangement Andra and I had going, fours years later, was JoDee. She’s the baby, and justly she was the most adorable little sister we could have asked for. She almost immediately grew out of that however. At the time, she was annoying. But now that I’m away from her, I realize how precious she is to me. She’s just so wonderfully goofy and quirky. She has no idea how jealous I am of the world she apparently sees every day; just marching to her own beat. The age gap is twice as big with JoDee, about eight years between us. My relationship with her is more protective. She’s my little sister, and nobody, other then myself, better ever hurt her or make her cry. But still, I see her growing up so fast and I’m excited to watch her become a young lady - and I’m so lucky that I get to be a part of it.

Andra

i recently wrote a paper in my english class about my definition of family...this is the part about my younger sister, andra

Andra had the privilege of destroying my only child status. Though I was quite bitter about this for years, the four year age gap between us seems to get smaller and smaller as we get older. As I entered my freshman year in high school, my mom got a new job and my family relocated. My family, sans our father that is. He was unable to get a job in the same town and was forced to live nearly two hours away.
That year was unimaginably hard for me, for all of us. Andra and I fought constantly. I think we took out the pain of missing our dad on each other. I remember one night we were arguing and I don’t know exactly what she said, but it must have hit a nerve and I spent the rest of the night soaking my pillow in tears. I remember Andra timidly opening my door and just standing there, watching, listening to me cry. She climbed into bed with me and in this small, scared little voice she managed “I’m sorry, Jamie”, before she too started to cry. We just laid there in the dark and cried together. And for the first time I think we both understood the bond that is sisterhood. She’s my best friend; and that really doesn’t even do our relationship justice. I would do anything for her.

my new addiction

so yes i'm addicted to romance..but quickly climbing the charts is online Wheel-of-Fortune. its sad, but true. i love it. and i suck at it...love it anyway.
anyway...on to other topics. christmas break is coming up. i can not wait to see my family and spend some quality time with them. i love them so much and being away from them made me appreciate them more then ever. when i first got here, i was so lookin forward to break so i could see my friends - its strange how life changes things. i mean, theres a few i cant wait to see, but theres some i'd just as soon not see. and those are the ones i should want to see the most. it makes me angry, the circumstances we find ourselves in just dont seem fair, to anyone. we all seem to be hurting ourselves and eachother unnecissarily...so i think i'm goin to take it upon myself to stop it. (this means ending contact, it may be the only way)
being single again makes me think alot...think about what i want, what i look for, what i'm attracted too. these are things i havent had to think about for a long time. it seems to me that sometimes, in relationships, people get that comfort level and let themselves stop thinking about what they want. i like looking around - but idk if i'm ready to actually act on my looking
there arent really any guys here at school that i'm into...well, theres one. but hes completely unavailable so i'm just ignoring those feelings. there is one from closer back home tho...he just kinda came out of nowhere, but he's a great guy
still, its amazing how much i miss wayne sometimes. i heard somewhere that it takes half the time u were with someone to get over them. (obviosly its not that cut and dry, but its an interesting thought) by those terms it'll take me almost 2 years to get over wayne...i think he'll always have a place in my heart. he said that to me, and it made me cry. it makes things sound so permanently final. which i guess they are but still..

i just need to vent here for sec

okay...so i promise to try and not do this too often. but i gotta get it out of me. which is kind of ironic, because im pretty sure that the precise problem is just that - me. there has got to be something wrong with me...a curse of some sort. now, admittedly i'm a hopeless romantic - i go nuts for that stuff. buti think that maybe, i've let myself become delusioned about love that i've blurred the line between REAL romance and the stuff on movies, books, an television. you see, i watch those movies, read those books and people tell me "jamie thats not real life" and my response to that is "why not? why cant i have my own little love story?"
here is where i pose my question to anyone who might wander upon my ramblings - would it be more tragic if a) i continue living my life in what quite possibly may be a very dangerous and self-destructive fairytale fantasy... or b)i let go of my idealistic pursuit of my love story and accept the fact that maybe i'll find love, maybe i wont..and even if i do find it, it might not be what i expect anyway. and to that effect, if may not be ANYTHING like i expect, it might not even be real. it might not last.
to enphazise the point i'm trying to make right now, i think i should mention that i'm currently watching Serendipity - to those of u who know this movie, enough said.

first step in blog keeping

well i did it..and i owe it all to louis. he has one of these and i was reading thru his and it seemed like something i could maybe get into. a good friend of mine told me at graduation 'write down your thoughts and the end of every day'. i tried doin this in a journal, but it lasted about the first three weeks of school. i'm actually pretty upset about my lack of dedication to that project. so i guess i'm tryin to make up for it here (i'm not even sure this counts)
it seems like this should be some deep, intense first writing..but i'm not thinking thats gonna happen just yet. i gotta get a feel for this first, test the waters. plus i have basketball practice in a few hours and i should really take a nap first...great, so far i've introduced myself as lacking dedication and lazy. i'll do better next time :)