i just had an uh-oh thought...

sooo..talkin to nathan tonight. and i made this comment

"maybe u just havent known me long enough to find what i lack"

and then i read over it...and seriously, what a horrible thought. yikes..haha sometimes i think my attempt at 'deep thoughts' ends up coming off as depressing. i'm not depressed :) cross my heart

on a lighter note, my late night venture into blog readin lead me to this...

Jamie is the #146 most common female name.
0.153% of females in the US are named Jamie.
Around 195075 US females are named Jamie.

good to know

i cant think of a clever title...

hmm...so. how do i feel today? tired...just tired in general. tired of williston, tired of school, tired of basketball, tired of boys...gosh am i tired of boys. why do i think that a boy will make me happy? if i would just pay attention to life experience, i'd notice that boys do not make me happy. (ok they have their moments) but more so *especially lately* they make me stressed, nervous, edgy, sad, dissapointed (usually in myself), frustrated, confused, sick...none of these are qualities i would like some to describe me as. ("oh yeah i know jamie...the nervous one. always on edge" haha) idk, i'm just tired of the boy scene. tired of thinking 'oh, finally!' just so i can go 'aw crap'. ya know?

yeah i dont even really know, so i dont expect you to know. i just want to feel INSPIRED again. when i was with wayne, i just felt so inspired...its dumb. but true. i just wanted to make him happy...thereby making myself happy. ugh, idk.

someone inspire me!

this post may be inspired (no pun intended) by my total lack of energy or just general 'funness' right now...combined with me being utterly weighed down with unforgiving biology homework (due to my lack of effort this weekend)

i'm also tired of being told how i should feel..what i should feel...what i should be doing or not doing. i just wanna BE for a little while...just let me be. idk what i want...i dont want to know what i want...just let me be. i really should have gone home this weekend (damn morti...ok i forgive u). home always helps me clear my head. my family (esp. Andra --my angel--) always puts things in perspective for me. she's the only one i want to talk to right now.

favorite song quote right now: "i find it so romantic when u look into my beautiful eyes and lose control" - who let u go, 'the killers'

good ol' SNL

i'm watching a really old episode of saturday night live....idk how old, but george carlin has lots of brown hair, if that helps. neway, funny part --

"the u.s. postal service came out with a new stamp commemorating prostitution in the united states. its a 10 cent stamp, but if u wanna lick it - its a quarter."
~chevy chase, weekend update, snl

idk but that cracked me up :) good times

wow, goose

lacey and i went to church today at 5; she's a catholic tho (im lutheren). it was my first time at a catholic church - other then when i went to my cousins first communion a few years ago. and i dont remember that being an actual church survice for some reason. neway, it was an interesting experience. lots of kneeling..and i couldnt really understand the 'father' or pastor...what r they called in catholic? yeah idk

then we went to Goose's place (he's our assistant coach) cause lace and i r the only two girls from the team that didnt go home this weekend. he made chicken and rice...it was so good. wow

we all got into a discussion about how hot a certain person was on a scale of 1-10, lace said he was a 9.5 and i was, 'a 9.5? thats high! at this point, i'd settle for a 6'...apparently this was humorous. idk, i'm serious tho...i'd take a 6

it is 10:11 on Friday night...

and i am sitting in my dorm room, alone. fully ready to go out and do whatever i may find to do. one problem, i have no one to take me anywhere...someone come get me! haha

today, i threw myself into cleaning my dorm room. i have done well...its smells good, it looks good. i do need to vacuum still, but the dorm vac is for sure MIA right now. damn.

but like i said, i need something to do...any takers?

poor morti :(

i took my car (mortimur) in today cause he needed a little oil change...plus, he gives off an offensive burning gas odor whenever i drive him (which, coincidentally, isnt that often - due to said offensive odor). anyway! so i take him into Minute Lube (insert giggle here) for a check up. they change the oil, no problem.

(here i think that its appropriate to mention that i may or may not have gone in the ditch on my way back to school after christmas break...hmm did i mention this before? who knows..neway, yeah slippery roads + my awful girly driving = spinning several times on my way into the ditch + a scary, snowboard style skidding stop)

so that happened...and now i've been informed by the Minute Lube lady (giggle again) that poor Morti has a leak of somekind. okay so i'm what some might call 'car illiterate'...but i what got out of her explanation is this. -- either the transmition fluid (is there sucha thing? haha) or oil...is leaking. and dripping onto either the heater?? or radiator?? which is causing the smell -- and the lady said i can either get it fixed, or deal with the smell.

my gosh, i'm even more UN real-world independent than i originally thought. sad

what is happening?

so...i'm gettin as tired as u are of listening to my whining about how trageic my life is. but i have one more in me, so either bare with me or quit reading now...

all of my life i've been taught to tell the truth. dont lie. lying only leads to people getting hurt. BE HONEST

and trust me, i thought a lot recently about whether that was good advice or not. and i went with honesty..be honest, its my best bet.

and where, u may ask, has all my good-intentioned honesty gotten me? well, i've lost the best guy friend i have here. and probably the second one too, seeing as my hanging out or talking to him his only causing friend 1 pain. this sounds selfish, but its not the losing them part that sucks...its the fact that i've hurt josh, immensely. and i cant fix it...

so, i dont get it. i thought lying was the part that hurts...maybe its the fact that im lying to myself.

hmmm

still sick....karma is kickin my ass right now. in the past 2 days i've managed to eat about 10 saltines, a piece of PB toast, 5 grapes and half a kiwi...and i'm not hungry. anyone who knows me, knows that i'm always hungry...not cool karma, not cool.

anyway, light headed again...sleepy...more later

happiness

....Happiness is to meet the cute guy who gave you the dazzling smile, a second time, and knowing in your heart that a portion of your life is being taken away by the gods in exchange for this chance delight.

....Happiness is a wonderful guy holding and squeezing your hand and gazing at you for comfort and love.

....Happiness was/is Grandma holding my hand and I looking at her sweet face in contentment and love

....Happiness is living.

....Happiness is acheiving something you've dreamed of and gettin to share it with those you love

....Happiness is looking back on ur past and being content with what u see

....Happiness is being kissed on the cheek (i love that!)

no fun

crappage...i am sick. no fun for me. teal says i stressed myself out too much yesterday. which is entirely possible - i was extrememly stressed and sad and worried. i think it might be karma tho... but i'm dizzy..and i kinda feel like vomiting again (tear)

i give up

today, not a good day...so i'm announcing my 'giving up' of many things.

** i give up thinking i'm ever going to be happy with wayne again.
** i give up my dream that our love was real and this is just a hiccup...hearing the phrase "she loves him" has quite possibly destroyed a part of me that i will never get back
** i give up the silly idea that i am ment to be truely happy. if this were true, there would at least be a sign of it somewhere. but things just keep going wrong, and getting worse and worse

** i give up the thought that i will have close relationsips that i dont push away. i like josh, i do...and that scares me so bad. starting to liking someone just means that i have to try again...which i have learned only leads to someone getting hurt, or me not being good enough. i'd rather push him away now then actually start to have real feelings for him just so he can deam me unworthy. i've already failed to make one person happy, and i'm in no hurry to do it again.
i've been thinking about the whole josh/nate thing today...and i've made an interesting observation. i wonder if this whole thing with nate, is just me avoiding nething i feel for josh. idk...like, my attempt at pushing him away sooner rather then later.i mean, for awhile now the whole josh thing has been at the back of my mind. we get along really well when we're together...but i honestly feel myself pull away when i notice that i feel close to him. on the other hand, i dont really pull away from nate. but i'm gonna make myself. i care too much for josh as a friend and i refuse to hurt him more then i have. :S idk what i'm doing...but i better figure it out cause hurting him is killing me


of course this sounds dramatic, irrational, "too emotional" (which i recently was told i am) but ya know something....i feel things. and im careful of making the same mistakes i made in the past. i'd rather make someone else be happy -- people respond
to that.

okay, so i just read over all that...i sound depressed. i'm not..i'm just, frustrated right now. (dont worry friends, i'll recover)

smile like you mean it

do you ever wonder how many people only seem happy, but have actually learned how to fake it really well? i dont know why i'm thinking about that...i am horrible at it. apparently i read like a book - everyone seems to know if something is wrong. i'm not sure i'm comfortable with that..i'd like to have my secrets ya know? :) (sidenote: i really am fine right now...not writing this is in a sadened state or anything)
i was talkin to lacey the other day, and we both agreed that we would love to be someone else for just one day. i mean, we'd still be ourselves - but in someone elses body. so we could just watch ourselves and see ourselves thru someone elses eyes.

i'm beginning to worry that if i dont write about him (or some other random boy thing i may have going on) that i wont have nething to say. thats a scary thought. i hope there's more to me then that :) i would like to think that every now and then i have something interesting to say.

BIG game today at 2:00...against lake region. we've lost to them twice, but if we can beat them by more then 15 today, then we force a coin toss to see who hosts the regional tournament. we have the potential to beat them, it just depends on whether or not we use it. if we cant beat them tonight, we need to at least play with them, make it a good game, so that we can prove (to ourselves mostly) that we can beat them when it really counts. wish us luck! :) i'll tell ya'll how it goes later tonight

Quote for the Day ~"See into life don't just look at it."~

[added on around 6:45]

hmm...well, we lost. good game (at times) but i, however...sucked. dont really feel like talking about it.

BUT my family came! woo hoo for that. gosh i LOVE my family, we're so close! my daddy, in all his 'i'm so skinny in all my 13 lbs lighter since Nov." glory, is possibly the best man in the whole world. and my mom is equally as wondermous. plus my little sister JoDee, and my grents...aw, good times.

itw as weird when they dropped me off at my dorm (we went out to eat). it felt like i would see them again in a few minutes. but then i got to the dorm and i was just sitting here, and all of a sudden i was like 'oh my gosh! i'm not gonna see them for like, 2-3 weeks! sad!" oh well, it was awesomastic to see them :)

something of interest

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal


--not mine, i found it while aimlessly wondering the web while i couldnt sleep--

~my daily dose of inspiration~

Strong feelings do not necessarily make a strong character. The strength of a man is to be measured by the power of the feelings he subdues not by the power of those which subdue him.

-- William Carleton

"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give."

This is the state in which you are doing whatever you are doing with a total wholeheartedness, without thinking of anything else, without any hesitation, without any criticism or doubt or inhibition of any kind whatsoever. It is a pure and perfect and total spontaneous acting without any blocks of any kind.

Follow your bliss.

You yourself are your own barrier - rise from within it

Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle.

We are like newborn children, our power is the power to grow.

Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your own destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?

Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Hawaiian Night Rocks My World

we won our game last night :) woohoo for us...miles city was up by 2 at halftime, but we played really well the second half and went on a few big runs. SO proud of the girls! unfortunately the boys lost. that sucks...but they'll recover i'm sure.

then came the dance...soo fun. probably one of the top 3 times i've had since i've been here :) we drank a little (sorry mom) then went to the dance...unlike my extrememly talented beer bonging friends, i passed on the bong. but i had a great time anyway. i love u girls, too much fun :)

however...i believe i've put myself into a bit of a bad situation. so i'm starting to feel myself letting go of wayne...realizing its just not gonna happen. and theres this SUPER nice guy here that we hang out with alot (i've never hung out with him by myself or anything) and awhile ago he said he 'kinda liked me' but we talked about it and i said he was real nice and i kinda like him, but i just wasnt ready for a relationship or anything.
sounds okay right...but then we start hangin out with his friends more and more...and one of his friends is a real nice guy too (i think we can see where this is going) BUT i refuse REFUSE refuse to let myself have feelings for this josh's friend cause i, of all people, know better then that.
but, last night, in my somewhat intoxicated state, i took it upon myself to be a tad flirty with the friend. damn me. i know.
my friends here are of the opinion that i am doing nothing wrong by liking him.
"Its not like u and josh were going out - or even seeing eachother"
"You cant control your feelings...you like who you like...this is not
like what happened to you"
I disagree...i feel like such a bad person for having feelings (and i use the term losely...its not like i'm in love or even close with either of these guys) for both of them. its SO not fair to either of them. it seems the only solution is to remain platonic with each of them...

The Notebook

wow, what a great movie...for girls anyway. idk how into it a guy would be, and let me just warn that it is not a movie for neone tending to a broken heart. but it was so good! :) us girls watched it last night...one of those movies that u catch urself smiling during.

lets see, what else is new. we got our first papers back in comp II today. i got an A-, which idk..seems kinda bogus cause it really wasnt a good paper in my opinion.

tonight we have our second to last home game of the season. we play miles city. when we went to miles city earlier this year, there was that huge fight during the guys game. and some of the girls on our team got into it with the girls team (verbally of course) so tonight should be interesting. its hawiian night also...big dance afterwards. should be a good time :)

i'll update later

and so it goes...

i got this in an email from a great friend of mine...and it hurt so bad to read it. but its what i need to hear...and its probably what i need to keep hearing over and over til i GET it thru my head

thanks louis

I'm going to keep saying this... what once was, is no longer. Realize that if he truly loved you, he'd be with you now; he's not with you, he doesn't love you. No matter how much love you show him, all of the love you want back, is going towards someone else.

detox update #1

so hopefully there arent TOO many detox updates...i do have a life outside of my little detox project.

but real quick like here...so, i think he's more then likely got the letter now. havent heard from him. idk how i feel. cept that i feel like i'm only pretending i want to get over him and let go. i know its what seems necissary...

in other news (see i told u i have a life) last night was a GOOD night :) laura, one of my suite mates, is in a 'prevention and care' class for athletic training...and she had to practice her taping on us. so haylee, teal, and myself got all taped up! ankles, shins, elbows, fingers, heels, wrists...it was sweet. and then of course we had to take like 20 pictures. -we couldnt let an oppurtunity for that kinda of photo shoot pass us by!- then we all went to 'midnight bowling'. which was another good time...we met some of the guys there. and we're all just dorks, so its pretty hard not to have fun :) we have a good group going. i hope they stick around for awhile :)

also, for lent, teal haylee and i gave up sweets. (strength in numbers) and i'll admit we all cheat a little *hope made dirt cake! what was i supposed to do?* However, teal? she sucks. bad. she eats sweets AT LEAST once a day. and now its gotten to the point where shes tryin to hide it from me. so yesterday, she comes up to my room and like, dives onto my bed (top bunk) and like, totally face plants it right into my sheets (like i made my bed, yeah right) so we all laugh about it. funny times...until about 15 minutes later when tate climbs up there (teal got down) and goes "ew jamie whats all over ur sheets? someone ate chocolate in bed" and i was like, "what? i dont even hardly eat chocolate..." and teal raises her hand all happy and is like "I ate chocolate in ur bed!" i go check out the damage...its gross. big old spot of it right in the middle of my sheets, like where my chest would be when i sleep. then theres a little fingerprint up by my pillow, and a big smear ON my pillow case *gasp* i'm like "TEAL! how much chocolate was in ur mouth??" her reply? "two turtles" TWO of em! "i was tryin to hide em from u" TWO of em! so now i have gross chocolate turtle crap all over my bed. ew.

she owes me laundry ;)

bounce back

today i feel much better...but i'm really dissapointed that i let something so superfical get to me yesterday. its just a day...(a day devoted to love and passion) but still, just a day. i enjoy it (usually) because i truelly love the idea of that passion, true commitment, light-headed thing that i believe love to be. and i was just crabby yesterday cause i feel like i wasted what i had.

but today im happy again (somewhat embarassed) but happy :) its snowing...no fun, but it is winter in ND so what else do i expect?

we have only 3 games left in our regular season...crazy that i've almost made through a whole college basketball season. not done yet tho, still got a few games to win :)

and since in my crabby state i forgot yesterday -- HAPPY VALENTINES DAY :)

it is certainly not a happy valentines day

so, i knew it would be...but today was a total bust :( thumbs down to today.

i really need to get over this whole romantic thing out of my system. i have valentines day so built up that if i'm single, its gonna suck.

its not even being single that sucked today as much as it was knowing that i miss him so much. crappage

oh well, its over in about 35 minutes :) and then i can resume detox.

sidenote: man i was crabby today..i totally apologize to all my friends, please still love me u guys! :)

my seduction style

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

idk about this whole seduction thing...i'm not much for seduction. im way too dorky

No Man Is Worth Your Tears

No man is worth your tears
The only one who is will never make you cry
To him you can reveal all your fears
And to you he will never lie

Falling in love may be a mistake
Not worthy of a passing glance
For honestly, there's much at stake
Still, I'm ready to take that chance

The dark things that may go wrong
Will cast a shadow upon the bright
But they're merely tests, is your love strong
For true love be willing to fight

A wise man one said "Only fools rush in"
But how long must we wait for that feeling within

i know that you hope for longer goodbyes

i did it...i think. i said good bye to wayne. i tried to anyway. i wrote him a card/letter and some other things that i wanted him to read. and i said that i miss him with all i am, but its the last time i'm going to tell him.

i just cant do it anymore. i convinced myself i was holding on to a love i didnt believe could die; i felt that if i let go, then i was giving up on love. but thats not true...i'm holding on to a love that isnt there. wayne doesnt love me anymore. and no matter how hard or true i love him, it wont change his heart.

the hardest part of this is knowing that he's not going to stop me from saying goodbye.

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love. -- George Eliot

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it. -- Trey and Matt Stone Parker

(added on at 8:34..wow thats exactly 2 hrs later isnt it)
okay i stated that i said goodbye..but i feel i should add that this doesnt mean i'm moving on to being totally over it. that'll take a little while longer...it'll be good for me to be alone for awhile and really find ME

lets go girls!

i happened to stumble across this thing where u enter ur name and the site gives u a new porn star name...what could be more fun :) haha, so heres my new name and some of the girls new names. haha (they're gonna love me for this)

and louis found another one! so i gotta add it...ghetto names (mine sucks, but apparently sam and i have the same name)

mine > cumisha jones, Ass Machine Shizzlemah
teal > candy coxx, Rectal Get Down
laura > sandra spunk, Abraham B
tate > asslee bendover (ok hers is the best), Wankmaster Lobos
haylee > spanky bottoms, Harry Jones
lori > sweetest sin, Fallopian Get Down
sam > e.z. lay, Ass Machine Teapot, Yo

you're the friend i need, but cant be trusted

so...i'm not sure how to say all the things i want to say. but i'm gonna try.

lately, and i mean really recently, i've become really bipolar about how i feel about gentina. most of the time i still feel hurt, betrayed, sad, angry...but every once in awhile...once in awhile i really miss her. really. i think about the good times i had with her...riding in osmo and leonard (r.i.p.). i think about bus rides, tye dyed pillow cases, trips to iowa, note notebooks, dreading track practice ( "riders, riders, help us god!" ), shared sweatpants ("omg u didnt wear underware did u!" )...neway, u get the idea.

but then, seconds after those thoughts race thru my mind all i can see is her and wayne. and as quickly as the feelings of longing and nastalgia came, they are replaced with hurt, deep hurt. maybe i'm too sensitive...but sometimes i hurt so bad that i think i may get sick. and i think that those times were fake... but i do miss the good times.

so i guess what i'm getting at is this. flick, if u read this... i dont think i need to tell u again how i feel, u know. maybe not understand, but u know. the fact that i still look at those memories as good times on occasion, that maybe someday i'll get over all this and consider u a friend again. idk what u want, but i need to get my feelings out, and u deserve to know.

(added on around 11:45 pm)

okay, so i was reading over that...and if ya'll cant tell, i'm probably the most torn and confused i've ever been in my life (in the big picture, i'm lucky that this is the worst thing in my life right now...i should be thankful) but anyway, my confusion comes out in my writing alot. this is a good example

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. -- Anne Frank

To-morrow do thy worst, for I have lived today. -- John Dryden


If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the 'happy' category. -- Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You won't be happy with more until you're happy with what you've got.
-- Angel Blessing

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about. -- Dale Carnegie

Life is too long not to be happy. -- Thom Barber

I WILL BE HAPPY :)

detox

its finished now
all is said, all done
learning how to breathe on my own
i'm okay without him
he'll miss me
eventually
"I am woman, hear me roar!"
independence is my new virtue
i'll be my own savior
time heals all wounds
even the heart
even mine
mine too will learn
learn that the last thing you want
is the only thing you need
detox begins
flush love out of my system
like evidence of last nights party
the party that ended
with my heart passed out on the floor
i'm dull now
but i'll glow in his absence
with time

at least thats what i'll tell you...

well well well

soo...it recently came to my attention that i was unaware of the many people i know who read my little blog here. it had been my intention to keep it more of a private thing - which i know, sounds ridiculous considering its on the internet. but i guess i just assumed that if i didnt tell anyone then they'd never know. wrong...i was scared for people to read it...but now that they have, i'm glad. this is me, pretty much uncensored. take it or leave it. and if u dont like what i write about, dont read it and we're all happy :) for those of u who do read it, i am not trying to chase you away (promise)

so today was interesting. i got to come home this weekend (long story on why, not worth goin into detail about) i got to watch my dads game..they totally got reffed...so uncool. i cant talk about it, it angers me. i went and watched wrestling at my old high school with wayne (he wrestled in school) that was interesting...i love his company, i really do. its hard spending time with him. i thought it would make me feel better (i'm foolish) but it only succeeded in making me miss him more. but it also made me realize something. i love him, real love. and if being with her makes him happy, then thats what i want. i want him to be happy - and if that means i have to be miserable for awhile, then i guess i have to deal. so monday starts detox. my friends and i will put our heads together and figure out a way to flush him out of my system. and then someday, i can be his friend the way he deserves me to be his friend...w/o drama and tears and strings (or webs) of love. im excited to be his friend; it'll happen eventually. cause at this point -- he just isnt that into me --

V-Day

its a few weeks away, but i can feel it..looming in the future. valentines day has always been one of my favorite holidays (romantic, what can i say) but this one scares me cause its the first one in a while that i'll be alone for. and he'll be with her. its not that i'm scared of being alone, i was alone before he came. i'm afraid of being w/o him....
neway, valentines day. hey maybe i'll get lucky and something really unexpected and romantic will happen eh? :)
i keep stating my distain for the holiday, but its a lie...im tryin to convince myself i hate it, so that it wont suck as bad when valentines day is a total bomb. haha, we'll see how that works out for me

Friends

okay, so i totally ripped this poem of from louis...louis put this on his blog, and i can only assume that its reference to me. so this might seem totally horrible, but i can relate to how this poem makes him feel -- cause its how i feel about wayne (louis, i'm so sorry...i just want u to understand...) i know waynes heart louie, and i long for how i felt when i was confident that he knew my heart


Friends
by Sharon Dell Davidson

We can be freinds,
But that's not how I feel
The things inside me...
I sometimes wish it wasn't real.
How can I pretend that I don't need you,
When all I really want is for you to need me, too?
Maybe it's the past, and I should just move on.
Maybe I could wait for you,
because my feelings are so strong.
How can I be your friend without wanting you?
What if I fall back in love, then what do I do?
I try to tell my heart that these things can't be.
Is it time I tell my heart it's just a memory?

what dreams may come...

so it might sound a little odd, but i really give my dreams alot of credit. for good reason tho...
>when i was an 8th grader, i had a dream that my little sister and i were packing all of our stuff....about a week later my parents informed us that they had applied for new jobs...and a few months later we were told that we would be moving
>my senior year i had this dream about an old friend of mine. it was like, there was something wrong and he kept motioning at me (it was kinda creapy) ne way i woke up and i was like "i should really call ray and tell him i'm here for him" then i looked at the clock and it was like, 5:00 am so i decided to call or email him the next day...when i went to email him, he had emailed me. he said that he'd had a dream about me and in it, i'd told him i didnt want to be his friend and that i didnt care about him. checked the time 5:13 (i'll never forget that)

so yeah thats where my weird feelings towards dreams come from...those r just the two biggest examples.NEway, to get to the point.

last night i had this dream thats kinda making me think...it started out where i was talking to a guy on the mens team here, and then he pretty much turned into a guy from grand forks that i went to junior prom with. and we were just watching a movie together and all cuddled up on the couch. and then i looked at the clock and it was 1:30 and i called wayne. and i was talkin to him, tryin to pretend i wasnt w/ someone else. when i hung up, matt was like "what the hell was that? we're happy! youre with me, why cant u just be happy with me?"

hmmm...so yeah i mean obviously i know what its about...theres a guy from the present (not that we're involved or nething) a guy from my past, and wayne. i think matt kinda sympbolizes a guy i let go back then because of wayne, the bball player symbolized the guys im giving up now because of wayne...and wayne is that ever present thought in the back of my mind, even when i'm happy...nothings changed after all these years